Of Shame and Chocolate

A few weeks ago I attended a pastor's conference. The speaker, in a nutshell, was talking about the fact that because of the grace of Christ, we do not have to try to cover up our shame. As the speaker was talking, I was eating a chocolate bar that was provided by the conference host. Unfortunately (and as is typical of me), I unknowingly got chocolate on my arm, which I then proceeded to smear onto my shirt (another reason why I enjoy wearing dark colors...I'm a slob).

This course of events led to a predicament. I am at a pastors conference and I want to make a good impression. I even wore a collared shirt, so you know I'm serious...but now I have chocolate smeared on the front of my shirt. Feeling ashamed, I moved my name tag from my chest to my belly so as to cover the chocolate smear.

Irony at it's finest!

The Associate Hobo

Back story: During the L.A. Kings championship run in 2012, I grew a beard and vowed to only shave it when the playoffs were over for the Kings. I had done the same thing the prior two years, but the beard never got long due to two disappointing first round playoff exits. To be honest, I suspected the same thing in 2012. To my surprise and delight, the Kings, despite being the underdog in every match-up, kept on winning. As a result, the beard kept on growing. It was an exciting time! 

During the "Beardening" (Yes, I just made up a word), Sierra Vista was hosting a meeting to discuss how churches and organizations can more effectively feed the community. I was not a part of this meeting though. Rather, I was working in my office when I got a hankering for a snack. So I walked to the kitchen and rummaged through the fridge for a snack. The kitchen doors were open, so those in the meeting could see me rummaging through the kitchen. At this point, a lady who was part of the meeting notified our senior pastor that a homeless man was looking for food.

"Oh, that is just our associate pastor" responded Pastor Todd.


Awesome! Way to make an impression Ryan...

Theology vs. Romance Part II

While I can certainly be the sentimental type, I have never been one to believe in the concept of a soul mate. The closest I get to believing in the concept of a soul mate is that if you have a spouse, they, by default, he/she becomes your soul mate. While not romantic, this is more inline with what Scripture teaches. I consider it fantasy to believe that God has created a special someone designed specifically for me. Well these convictions came up in conversation one night with my wife.


Wife: "You are my soul mate!"

Me: **silence followed by an awkward stare**

Wife: "Do you believe I am your soul mate?"

Me: "Yes, but you are my soul mate because we got married."

Wife: "So, if you got married to a different a different woman, she would be  your soul mate and not me?"

Me: "Exactly."

Wife: "So, if I die and you get remarried, you have two soul mates?"

Me: "No, the new wife becomes my soul mate."

Me: "I'm on the couch tonight huh?"


Moral of the story:

• I would like to hug the person that designed my very comfortable couch. 

•  I would like to punch the person who came up with the concept of a soul mate.

Theology vs. Romance Part I

Sometimes your theological beliefs can get you in trouble.

Let me explain. In college, I began to understand that no person could ever fill the psychological hole that we humans all experience. I realized that a girlfriend, no matter how amazing, can never complete me as a person. My years in college were spent trying to live this out. I wanted to be my own person without needing someone else there to "complete me." While there was great truth to the realization that no person could "complete me," I went about it in the wrong fashion.

It was not until my seminary experience, where some great professors and mentors guided me in this. They confirmed the truth that no person could fill the gap caused by original sin, I realized that only God can fill this hole. Friends, family, and love interests are important, but they never were intended to fill a hole that only God can fill. As a result, it led to a hunger to find my identity (and the fullness that it brings) in Christ. I began to mature in this and understand this concept as Christ intended me to grasp it.

Well, this is when it began to get problematic. I am growing in my faith and I get to a point where I understand that Jesus, and only Jesus is what completes me. No one else can fill the gap. No one can complete me. So....what do I do when my girlfriend (now my wife) lovingly looks me in the eyes and says "You complete me." It was a frightening experience! Do I lie and say the line back, and go against my theological convictions? Do I correct her and risk alienating her? Panic ensues! What do I do?

I told my students this story and they were curious as to how I responded. They called me a monster when  I told them that I responded by telling Alisa that she did not complete me. Had I left the statement there, I certainly would have experienced unquenchable wrath. But Bald Wisdom knows better...

I looked her in the eyes and said,  "You don't complete me. But because of you, the cup is overflowing."

Moral of the story:

• Wisdom (especially the bald variety) is a necessary companion of theology.
• Theology and romantic ideals don't always see eye to eye (hence the need for wisdom).
• Theology and romance will once again be at odds and some point in my relationship (and it has...so come back tomorrow...)

Real Men of Ministry: Mr. "I Don't Work In The Church But I'm A More Awesome Christian Than You Are" Guy.

We salute you, "Mr. "I Don't Work In The Church But I'm A More Awesome Christian Than You Are" Guy.

This is my personal favorite. 

At the church, and especially as we try to complete the new youth room, we have had many individuals working at the church. Alarm system installers, AC repairmen, painters, contractors, and many more have visited our humble grounds for some service call. Many of these workers come in, do their job, and leave with nothing more than a handshake and a job well done. Others are more chatty. I have no problem with this. I enjoy an occasional conversation with a stranger....

 But, I do have an issue with "I Don't Work In The Church But I'm A More Awesome Christian Than You Are" Guy. This is the guy, who despite the fact that he works a secular job, needs to let me know that he is a Christian. Cool! Always nice to meet another brother in Christ. But, he is a master of Christian cliche's and a self-promoter in the name of Jesus guru. He lets me know about all the books he has read, seminars attended, people he has converted, baptisms performed, demons exorcised, committees he has served on, communions he has presided over, children's ministry musicals he has performed in, and bible studies he has led. This individual is such a inspiration and leader that it is shocking to me that the Catholic Church has not yet canonized him. Now, if his attempt at self-promotion wasn't bad enough, I then get to enjoy a seven minute sermon from him. He concludes by handing out a business card saying that if I or the church ever needs anything, we should give him a call.

To which I respond, "Truly I have been in the presence of a saint, more esteemed than the martyrs, more learned than a scholar, and as equipped for world-changing ministry as the twelve, but if it's no bother, can you finish fixing the toilet?"

So thank you Mr. "I Don't Work In The Church But I'm A More Awesome Christian Than You Are" Guy. After 15 minutes of conversing with you, I see how you are truly the most amazing follower of Christ...ever!

Real Men of Ministry: "I Don't Go To Church But I Lead A Bible Study At Work During Lunch Time" Guy

We salute you "I Don't Go To Church But I Lead A Bible Study At Work During Lunch Time" Guy.

You are commendable for starting a bible study during the lunch hour at your work. I am also glad that out of a company of 275 people, three people (including you) are attending your study. It doesn't matter that you don't actually open the Bible. Simply just talking about your lives is much better. I'm sure when the opportunity arises, you will eventually mention Jesus. If only we had more bible studies like this at work.


Now, please tell me, how is this "bible study" serving as an adequate replacement for the fellowship, education, and accountability that the church provides (well, at least in theory it supposed to provide this)?

Never mind the question, ain't nobody got time for that. We nonetheless salute you for all that you do! You are a valuable asset to the Kingdom!

Real Men of Ministry: Mr. Mormon Destroyer

Today we begin with our salute to Mr. Mormon Destroyer.

You see, we have all been enjoying a peaceful afternoon at our home when Mormon (Or JW) evangelists come to our door. Some Christians will simply say "thanks, but no thanks." Others will have a brief and polite conversation. And then, there are those who invite the evangelists into their home for a discussion. Now there is nothing wrong with inviting these folks into your home. In fact I think it is a great thing to do, but Mr. Mormon Destroyer doesn't quite understand the nuances of such a tactic. Rather than reason with humility and gentleness with these "missionaries," Mr. Mormon Destroyer is simply trying to prove the errors and faults of another's religion. There is no tact and grace. He comes out guns blazing, insulting and mocking his new friends. He challenges every concept, listens to nothing they say, and openly mocks their ideology. His new friends leave, and that following Sunday Mr. Mormon Destroyer brags to everyone in his congregation about how he just rocked those Mormons that came to his door. Good job Mr. Mormon Destroyer! Those Mormons might not be Mormons anymore...but they have also been turned off of Evangelical Christianity forever. Well done indeed. We salute you Mr. Mormon Destroyer!

Real Men of Ministry

A few years ago, a certain beer company ran a commercial series called "Real Men of Genius." The series highlighted an individual with some peculiar characteristic and then made up a satirical song about that individual. If curious, a simple YouTube search will fill you in. While the series was good for a few chuckles, I haven't thought much about it in some time. In talking with a few friends, that commercial series popped up in conversation. Naturally, I thought of Bald Wisdomizing it and doing a Real Men of Ministry series.

Now, what kind of people are deserving of such a title? Well, even though I have not been in vocational ministry that long, I have witnessed people who are not in vocational ministry boast to those who do work in the church about all the great things they do in ministry. Now, I am confident that many of these people are doing some good work, but I cannot help but chuckle when they try to impress me or another church worker/pastor about their stories of great ministry exploits.

For example, I am standing in a line with some other chap. We make small talk and he eventually asks what I do for a living. My general response is "I work with students in the church." Generally, the person will feign a smile and say "oh that's cool," but not this time. I have unknowingly opened Pandora's Box and this is now a license for this bloke to tell me about every ministry deed he has done. Even though he is an electrician from Modesto and is in town visiting family, he is sure to let me know that he holds the keys to the Kingdom...and if I only I could just see all that he does back at his home church.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love hearing about how God is using other people in the Kingdom. I've learned a lot from hearing the stories of others. But, it is never hard to tell when someone is sharing with me his or her exploits because they want me to either validate them or be impressed with them. While I play it cool, it always makes me laugh inside, and so now, I want to share with you, the loyal Bald Wisdomaniac (can someone put that on a T-Shirt?), some of my favorite "Real Men of Ministry" moments. Oh, and do not worry, at Bald Wisdom, we do not discriminate! I will certainly highlight you women as well!

So, starting next week, sit back at get ready to salute the Real Men (and women) Of Ministry!

Bald Wisdom's Tip O' The Week.

If your office has a window at street level, be careful when picking your nose.

An Updated Guide to Competitive Prayer Ranking

Last year I unveiled my guide to competitive prayer. While it was a good beginning, I would like to provide you, the loyal reader, with an updated guide that ensure that your prayer battles can become even more legendary. Enjoy.

The Holy of Holies Prayer Success Ranker

1. Someone says "Yes, Lord" during your prayer.  +1
2. Someone says "Amen" during your prayer.  +1
3. Someone groans in agreement with your prayer.  +.5
4. Someone yawns during your prayer.  -1
5. Someone falls asleep during your prayer  -10
6. Someone walks away during your prayer - 15
7. Someone says "Hallelujah" or "Praise Jesus" during your prayer  +3 (x2 if they are a Lutheran)
8. Your prayer brings someone to tears.  +5
9. Someone doesn't say "Amen" at the end of your prayer.  -1
10. Some laughs at your prayer.  -3
11. Someone laughs with you during your prayer.  +3
12. You thank God for no injuries during an activity when in fact no one was injured. +1
13. You thank God for no injuries during an activity when in fact someone was injured. - 5
14. Your phone goes off during your prayer.  -3
15. Your phone goes off during your prayer, blasting inappropriate song lyrics. -6
16. You quote scripture during your prayer. +2
17. You quote Scripture during your prayer from the King James Translation.  +5
18. You quote Scripture during your prayer from the original Hebrew/Greek. + 7
19. You quote Scripture during your prayer from the original Aramaic.  +10
20. You incorrectly cite a passage of Scripture.  - 3
21. You begin your prayer by saying "Dear God."  -1
22. You refer to God as "Abba Father." +2
23. You refer to God as "Daddy."  +4
24. You refer to God as "Mommy" -4
25. Another person refers to God as "Daddy" after you. + 2
26. Another person refers to God as "Mommy" after you. -4
27. You pray for "traveling mercies."  - 2
28. You pray that God would "be" with someone.  - 2
29. You gossip about somebody during your prayer.  -2
30. You gossip about somebody during your prayer and that person is in the prayer circle.  +2
31. You gossip about somebody during your prayer and that person is in the prayer circle and he/she says "Amen." +6
32. You break out into worship song during your prayer.  +10
33. You use a quote from any secular movie, t.v. show, or song during your prayer. +1 (+3 if someone says "Hallelujah" or "Praise Jesus" after you quote the line)
34. Your stomach grumbles audibly during the prayer. -1
35. You fart during your own prayer.  -3
36. But everyone thinks someone else farted.  +4
37. You begin coughing or sneezing during your prayer. -1
38. You begin speaking in tongues during your prayer.  +7
39. Someone else begins speaking in tongues during your prayer. +10
40. Someone in the prayer circle is miraculously healed during your prayer. +20.
41. The building your prayer group is in collapses. -50
42. The building your prayer group is in collapses but no one is killed or injured. +60
43. Someone in the group becomes possessed by a demon during your prayer.  -35
44. You are possessed by a demon during your prayer.  -45
45. Jesus returns to earth during your prayer.  +1,000,000

A Beacon of Hope!

After a summer break, Bald Wisdom is back!

A few things I noticed while taking a break:

1. The post on competitive prayer ranking has impacted people to a greater degree than expected. I'm tempted to start printing out score cards and placing them in the church bulletin.

2. I wanted to hug everyone who asked when the blog would be making a comeback. Those four people are true heroes of the faith!

3. I witnessed the birth of several blogs during my hiatus. My theory is that the lack of Bald Wisdom was catastrophic to the Christian community, and as a result, individuals were compelled to begin blogging to prevent the collapse of the American church.

4. None of those new blogs were intended to be comical, which was good for me, as competition rarely seems to bring out the best in me.

5. Still no high-powered toilets at our church. This concerns me....

6. People are generally sadder without a consistent dose of Bald Wisdom.

7. I'm still just as full of hot air now as I was before the break.

8. It's good to be writing again.

9. I hope you agree!

10. Enjoy!

Problems With Prayer Circles (Part 2)

Saying "I agree with these prayers" is not an excuse to pray the exact same thing as your predecessor. Still waiting for someone to say, "I agree with these prayers....AMEN!"

Problems With Prayer Circles

Nothing like holding hands with a stranger during a prayer circle and he/she has extremely sweaty hands....unless you are the one with the extremely sweats hands.

Perhaps prayer gloves would be a good idea...

Humble Pie

Sometimes you preach and it goes well. Other times, a student comes up to you and says "What did that Bible verse have to do with anything you said tonight?"

Well, back to the drawing board...

Shameless Selling Out?

Pastor are supposed to be strong, moral individuals. Our integrity is to be unquestionable. And under no circumstances should a pastor ever "sell-out!"

Furthermore, the Bald Wisdom Blog is a blog for the people by the people. It is meant to bring forth radical new ideas and shake the masses. While I am all about self-promotion, this blog was never intended to be a commercial or advertisement for others. In other words, I can promote myself, but God-forbid I promote someone else.

Unfortunately, I have faced a conundrum. Upon booking a trip for the high school seniors and college students, I received an email and I was immediately challenged with this excerpt:

" 1. If a new church brings kids because of your referral, Rock-N-Water will discount your next trip by 5% of that referred trip’s gross cost, or one of your kids goes free 

(whichever is greater up to $1,000).
2. If you add a link to: http://www.rocknwater.com on your school, church, or blog web site before you arrive, we will give you a FREE T-shirt."

So I'm not totally sure what to do. I don't want Bald Wisdom to sell out. After all, I write because it fills me with joy, but a FREE T-Shirt? How could I pass up? Certainly I'm conflicted. Do I add their link or not? This goes against everything I stand for. Sure, I could also talk about how Rock N Water is the best Christian Camp I have ever been to! I could talk about their great guides and truly delicious food. Their facilities are phenomenal, proving a safe and comfortable way to enjoy the outdoors. And there is no doubt that their program and activities are unparalleled! But at the same time, Bald Wisdom is not the place to promote someone else....even if they are offering me a FREE T-Shirt.

So I stand here conflicted. Yes, Rock N Water is one of the greatest places on earth, but perhaps it is not my place to promote them. Definitely not at the cost of blowing my integrity and selling out. The cause of this blog is too important!

So I suppose I'll say nothing for now. Better just keep praying about it.

Contribute to Bald Wisdom!

Bald Wisdom is looking for guest contributors. If you would like to contribute to the Bald Wisdom blog, please send me something you have written. If I like it, I will post it and credit you. Or, if you just have an idea but don't want to do the writing, let me know what your idea is and I will be happy to take a stab at it.

Also, I have an arbitrary goal to get to 50 followers! Help me make it happen! maybe I'll throw a party if I make it to 50! Share your favorite posts with friends and what not!

One Measly Dollar (Part 2)

As mentioned yesterday, it can be quite awkward to be at the cash register of a store and be asked if you would like to donate $1 to some charity. While many choose the polite, but firm "no," it is surely an unsatisfactory answer. Consider these scenarios that get the job done and provide some moral justification to your penny-pinching.

1. " Oh sorry, I already donate at 3 other grocery stores and 2 department stores."

2. ¿Que? (And pray they don't speak Spanish!)

3. "I'll do it if you do it." 

4. "My spouse and I must first discuss all financial transactions."

5.  "I'm a crook and I just wouldn't feel right giving 'dirty money' to a charity."

Hope this helps. 

By the way, would any of you be willing to donate $1 to our Flushstrong campaign?

One Measly Dollar

If students are hanging out at the church for whatever reason and I have to run some shopping errands, I always enjoy taking 2 or 3 of them with me. It's a good time to chat and hangout which helps me connect with my students better. We cruise through the store, successfully picking up everything we need. Things tend to turn sour when we arrive to the register though. At least 84% of the time, the clerk asks if I would like to donate $1 to starving children with disabilities that come from abusive families. I politely decline, grab my receipt and walk to the car. The students that have accompanied me look at me with a cold stare. While they say nothing, I know they think I am a monster.

I felt pretty bad until I talked with my friend who is a special education teacher. He said he too declines when asked to donate $1 to students with special needs.

He's seriously messed up....

The Zombie Apocalypse

  Couldn't help but laugh at this one. And you adults are just as bad!

Modified Worship Songs for the Avid Smart Phone User

When in an sanctuary of 4,000 people, you notice some interesting things while people worship around you (the only reason I was looking around and not worshiping was so that I could see how I could pray for people when I go home). For example, the lady in front of me went from texting on her phone, to hands up, jumping and singing, to texting again, all in the span of 3.9 seconds. It got me wondering how anyone could worship without feeling any degree of conviction. I mean, how do you sing that God is your everything while you are going for the high score on Bejeweled or cranking out emails? Sure we could ask that she put her phone away and actually try to put in practice what she is singing, but I have a better idea.

Let's just change the lyrics of our worship songs to accommodate our cellular phone addictions! Without further ado, I present to you Modified Worship Songs for the Avid Smart Phone User.

I will demonstrate how this works with the song "Everything" by Tim Hughes

God in my living, there in my breathing 

Except when I'm texting, or checking my Facebook

God in my resting, God in my working

Posting a tweet now, #worshiprocks  #godissogood  #icanfeelthespirit

 
Be my everything, be my everything 

(30 seconds of silence to get caught up on text messages)  

Be my everything, be my everything

There you go my friends. Just another way Bald Wisdom is making Christianity easier!

 

The Catalyst Double Standard

When we go a church and the pastor swears, we think it is inappropriate.

When we go to Catalyst, and a world famous speaker swears, we think he is being hip and relevant.

Where Would You Rather Be?

Nearly every speaker at Catalyst starts out with the sentence, or some derivation of it: "So glad to be here, there is no place I'd rather be than right here with you guys!"

This is how I process such a statement:

1. What do your wife and kids have to say about that?
2. What if the audience left and a new audience came in a took our place? Would you still feel the same way? 
3. If so, then you come across as someone who just says whatever the listener wants to hear. That lacks conviction!
4. What if we were all together, but in a new location? If that was the case, then the location is irrelevant. Rather, you are excited to be with us as an audience.
5. Yet, you have no knowledge of who the people are in the audience.
6. Or if you do, then you must have super crazy powers to know each one of us individually.
7. Maybe this guy is Jesus.
8. Or the Devil.
9. There are too many Christians here. And everyone was lifting their hands during worship, I don't think the Devil feels comfortable around here.
10. But he can't be Jesus because I saw a picture of Jesus and he had a halo above his head and a lamb draped around his shoulders. This guy has neither. Plus, I learned in seminary that when Jesus returns, there would be the sound of a trumpet. I didn't hear a trumpet. 
11. Ok, I am reasonably convinced that this guy is neither the Devil or Jesus.
12. I also suspect that he does not have super powers us that allows him to know each member of the audience.
13. So if he doesn't know us as the audience, and the location is not relevant to why he is happy to be here, why would he say that there is no place he'd rather be?
14. Maybe he is getting paid a lot of money to be here, and if he were anywhere else, he wouldn't be getting paid.
15. It doesn't seem like this guy is in it for the money.
16. Did I hear someone call my name? 
17. No...
18. Ok, where was I?
19. Oh ya, if he isn't in it for the money, then maybe he is happy to be here because he is just very excited to share what he knows with an audience that desires to hear what he says.
20. How does he know the audience really is in fact here to hear him though?
21. Well they did give him a big applause, and they paid money to be here.
22. Ok, I guess his story checks out. Time to start listening.
23. Wait, he is done speaking? I missed it...ah fiddlesticks....

Flushstrong

Last week I was at Catalyst with the SVCC staff. If you don't know what Catalyst is, it is a large annual conference for pastors, leaders, etc. It was held at the very large and exquisite Mariners Church in Irvine, California. Many famous pastors, executives, and celebrities participate as speakers and delight the audience with their humor, insight, and all-around awesomeness. It was a great time to learn from some of the top minds in Christendom, but what proved to be most significant might surprise you.

After completing my business in the restroom, I was shocked at how amazingly powerful the toilets were at Mariners Church. It makes sense though, a church that has multiple services with a sanctuary that fits 4,000 people needs high powered toilets. But here is the million dollar question: Do high-powered toilets cause church growth, or is it merely a correlation that large churches have high-powered toilets?

Perhaps you are wondering why this is significant? Well a few reasons:

1. If toilet function is significant in the causality of church size and Sierra Vista intends to grow, then it is of primary importance to upgrade our toilets.

2. On the other hand, if there is a correlation between toilet flush power and church size, it still remains important to consider upgrading our toilets for these following reasons:

• Correlation does not imply causation, but can church growth be sustained without the existence of high-powered toilets at SVCC? This is perhaps an important correlation to consider for our future health and well-being as a church.

• What kind of message does it send if we continue to grow as a church but condone weak, underpowered toilets? Do we run the risk of alienating new people? Perhaps a new convert has no experience with a high-powered toilet, but what sort of message do we send to those who have experienced mega-church flush power?

• Can we afford to have people missing out on worship, the sermon, or fellowship because of 2, 3, or even 4 flushes unnecessary flushes?

Clearly we stand on the precipice of major church reform. We spend money to feed the poor, build water wells in Africa, and equip our people to grow in love for God and the community, but I cannot help but think we are missing out on what is most important. Sure, you can say "this is all a load of crap," but that is exactly what we will have on our hands if we fail to respond! In light of this new and revealing data, we must faithfully open our wallets and support our new "Flushstrong" campaign (elder approval pending). For a generous donation, we can finally have the toilets that the Kingdom of God deserves.

This post is dedicated to all the churches who have neglected the Kingdom of God and instead argue about carpet color, flag placement, and God knows what else! May God be with them.

Catalyst Time!

Leaving for Catalyst today. What this means:

1. Pastors that go to Catalyst are cool and hip. I am already cool and hip, but you can still be impressed. It's ok, I'll wait.
2. I'll be providing Catalyst related posts, which might consist of:
1. Snarky comments
2. Ridiculous photos
3. Absurd insights
4. Something spiritually uplifting, although covered with sarcasm and veiled with facetiousness  
5. Absolutely nothing because I forgot to post
3.  You can't visit me this week. I bet you are all pretty bummed.
4. Todd and I will argue about why we can't go to a C-rated hole in the wall Mexican Restaurant.
5. I'm missing Rush induction in the Hall of Fame.

"What's The Deal With...?"

Inviting a friend to church can sometimes be a scary proposition. If the friend is a Christian, then some of the fears are mitigated, but not completely removed. We wonder things like this:

"What if they don't like worship?"
"What if they think the pastor is boring?"
"What if people aren't friendly?".
"What if they judge me because they think my church is heretical?"

And after service, we sheepishly ask the million dollar question, "So....what'd ya think?" And our friends are often gracious in their response, which makes feel all warm and tingly. Nevertheless, there is always one question that leaves us uneasy when they ask "What's the deal with (fill in the blank)?"

You see, every church has some idiosyncrasy that sets it apart from other churches, and no matter how polite your friend is, they must ask the "What's the deal with (fill in the blank)" question. They understand it might be a sore spot or perhaps a point of contention, but what they witnessed was so peculiar that they are compelled to ask.

And if you attend Sierra Vista and you have ever invited a friend, you most certainly have experienced this phenomenon as your friend looks at you with that puzzled look and says "What's the deal with the dancing lady?" 

At SVCC, we have a short, fiery-red haired women who dances in the aisle during worship. Her name is Carla and she is awesome. She is a blessing to those in the church, despite the fact that I've had to hear the "What's the deal with the dancing lady?" question 318 times now.

I know we have some more oddities that set us apart as a church and I'd love to hear what you think makes SVCC so unique. If you go to another church, what is your "What's the deal with (fill in the blank)" question?

What Jesus Watches On T.V.

Too good not to share!

Fighting Back

For anyone who has faced a difficult situation, the most common statement that you hear from friends and family is "Let me know if I can do anything to help." If you have ever endured a crisis, you have undoubtedly heard this line.

I have faced no shortage of crises during my life and I have often heard that infamous line. Some offer support, and without a doubt in my mind, I believe they will drop everything to help. And many of my friends have shown amazing support. I've had friends do my laundry, bring meals, help with chores, etc. I am eternally grateful for these people. And often, during a crisis, I hesitate to ask them for help, because I know they will make sacrifices on my behalf and offer the help I need.

On the other hand, there are folks who offer support, but I already know they are just paying lip service. They say the right things, but I know they have no intention of helping. Many of us know these kinds of people. Well, I have decided I will do something about it and call their bluff. No longer will I smile and say "thanks, but I'm ok." Rather, I will find the cruel and unusual tasks for them to do.

"Oh so you want to help? Perfect, you can come over and give my rabid rottweiler a sponge bath! I can't find his muzzle, but you should be ok."

"You want to bring a meal? That's great, it's doctors orders that I eat only lobster tail with lemon butter sauce. And would it kill you to provide dessert as well?"

"You want to help me with chores? Good timing, I have a tree stump I would like you to take out!"

So my friends, join me in this endeavor! Some might call you a sick freak, but I for one, take great pleasure in watching an acquaintance squirm when he/she has offered help and I then proceed to give instructions on how to reorganize my underwear drawer.

Bottom's Up

Of all my ministry related injuries, this was by far the worst. So grateful that I can look back on this one and laugh...

#1 Bottom's Up

I'm a sucker for the summer. I love the beach, grilling up some brauts, and chilling in the pool, but there is something special when you wake up and see the mountains covered in snow.During one of So Cal's better storms, John Bocanegra (the youth pastor that I was serving under) and I decided to take some students up to the mountains to play in the snow. Prior to going up, he purchased an inflatable boat in the hopes that we could all ride down the mountain together. Unfortunately, the boat was a flop, but some nice folks let us ride their inflatable tube down the mountain. We took turns riding down the extremely steep, but relatively safe slop. Naturally, the students got bored of tubing, but John, myself, and Billy (my 250 pound friend) were showing no signs of weariness. Nevertheless, we had to call it quits because it began snowing and we were afraid of getting trapped in the mountains without chains. Since we could not decide who would get the last run, John proposed we all get in the inflatable tube together. I sensed this was a bad idea, but this was was friend and mentor; surely he wouldn't lead me to my demise! In what proved to be a poor decision, I sat in the tube first, with Billy (my 250 pound friend) on top of me, and then John on top of him. The weight prevented me from keeping my body off of the snow, and naturally, as we began to slide down the mountain, my butt was riding on the snow. The tube began to spin, and we were now sliding down backwards and speeds only attainable by military jets. For a brief moment, I thought we might all survive this horrible idea. Unfortunately, I did not account for the large and jagged rock that was just slightly covered by snow. My lower back struck the rock, sending all of us fearless flyers in different directions. I came to a stop and immediately sensed something was wrong as I couldn't move my legs. John comes running over to me, not sensing my pain and anguish. I informed him that I couldn't move my legs, but it was too late, as he was already rolling across my bruised and battered body (I don't know where he learned such a technique). After about a minute or so, I regained movement, but I could not walk very well. My loving friends decided to carry me off the slope and back to the car. I would say they did a fair job as they only dropped me once. Upon getting into the car, I had the joy of a 3 hour drive as traffic was crawling down the now snowy and slick road.

The next day, I was in the doctor's office, convinced that I would be diagnosed with the manliest injury ever. I was unfortunately diagnosed with a gluteal contusion (aka, I bonked my bottom). Well, it took several years to fully recover, and to this day, I still get flare ups of pain which serve as a constant reminder that I will never do something so foolish ever again!

Bouncing Back in Slow Motion

#2 Bouncing Back in Slow Motion

One of the great things about youth ministry is that working with students helps you stay young. There is a problem with this though, for even though there are many things about youth ministry that help you to stay young, there are many things that remind you that your body isn't what it used to be. This is an especially sad realization when you haven't turned 30 yet...like a certain youth pastor that we all know.

This was all made very apparent when I took my college students on a Tuesday night to an indoor trampoline center. If you have never been to such a facility, it is a large warehouse with trampolines on the floor and walls. There is a dedicated trampoline area to play dodge ball, and then my personal favorite, the foam pit in which you jump off of trampolines and land in a pit filled with foam cubes. After an hour of bouncing, flips, and tricks that exceeded my physical capability, I went home with a smile on my face. Shortly after arriving at home, my body began to ache. The pain was especially strong in my back. I ended up sleeping with a pillow between my legs because my back was so jacked up. And for the next week I endured the incessant banter that all said the same thing, "You know, you are getting old." A few days later, the pain began to subside and I was able to move around with greater freedom. Just in time too, because it was Sunday, and I was taking my jr./sr. high students to the trampoline facility....where I promptly destroyed myself again.

Never again will I ever do something so foolish...

The Least Of These

In case you missed yesterday's post, today we continue our discussion on great injuries in youth group history.

#3 The Least Of These

For many years, Wednesday night's had a definitive rhythm. After youth group ended, the next 30 minutes of the evening consisted of me chasing students around. I was often shoeless and armed with the blunt but deadly pool noodle. On one such occasion, I was chasing down a student as I scampered through the youth room. I closed the distance between us, reaching absurd speeds. I'm pretty sure I clocked in at mach 3. Right before I delivered a devastating blow, my pinky toe came into contact with the leg of the chair. At those speeds, injury was inevitable. I fell to the ground, and immediately got that peculiar, yet familiar sense in my stomach; the one that only occurs when I break a bone or tear a ligament. With utmost certainly, I knew I had just broken my toe. While the pain was severe, there is little you can do when breaking your little toe. A hospital visit would be senseless as they would send me home and tell me to rest it. Friends and family members were unsympathetic and the reality is, no one cares if you break a toe. It is not a glamorous injury. No one gets babes after a gnarly toe injury.

So I learned a lesson that day. Broken toes in youth ministry account for nothing. Most people didn't even believe me that it was broken, and those that did believe me didn't care. Never again would I do something so foolish as to chase students around without shoes on.

Flip-Flop

Some people think being a youth pastor is easy. Some have suggested that all I do is read the bible, hang with students, and go out to eat. That's not entirely false, but what they fail to understand is the physical strain that youth pastors subject their bodies too. Similar to an NFL player, youth pastors put their bodies on the line, week in and week out! So, to bring awareness of youth ministry related injuries, I dedicate this week to my favorite injuries that have occurred while being in youth ministry!


#4. Flip-Flop

Once upon a time I was helping at a youth group. There were three gymnasts who attended. One evening, prior to playing our game, they were doing gymnast stuff. You know, just running around, doing flips and twists and rolls on the grassy lawn. In a moment of brilliance, I decided I would run across the grass, spring off of my hands and impress these students with my fancy moves. I've watched plenty of Olympics, I'm pretty athletic, and I got Romanian blood in me, so this stuff should come naturally to me, right? So, I ran across the grass, initiated the cartwheel and sprung off of my hands. I was in the air and realized I have never been in this position in my life. I did know if I was flipping or twisting. Only God knows what my body was doing in the air. I came crashing down to earth, landing firmly on my back. Realizing that it was foolish to try something I had no training for, I hobbled away from the field. It took a few weeks to recover from that fall. Never again did I try something so foolish.

Come back tomorrow for #3 on my list!

The Re - Prayer

My church softball league started up again last night, and despite the fact that we won, our team looked rather comical when we took to the field to play defense. Tons of missed throws, dropped balls, and of course yours truly bobbling the ball in the infield in classic Bald Wisdom style. While our bloopers are generally amusing, one particular blooper had us all holding our breath. Our left fielder, David, misplayed a fly ball that hit him in the forehead, cutting him open and leaving a nasty mark. While we laugh at it now, it was initially scary. Fortunately, he is doing well.

And as we do at the end of all our softball games, the teams gather together to pray. Usually the prayers go something like this:

"Dear God,

Thank you for allowing us to come out and play this wonderful game. Thank you that no one got hurt (this is the ultimate middle finger when prayed and someone did in fact get hurt) and we pray for traveling mercies on our way home.

Amen."

I was asked to pray, so naturally I prayed for David and the injury he sustained during the game. I walked back to the dugout and was one of the last players to arrive to the dugout, only to discover that another teammate of mine was laying hands on David and praying for him. A few things ran through my head:

1. Dang, my prayer sucked.

2. My teammate has a closer connection to God, and therefore was inclined to pray, knowing that my prayer lacked the efficacy needed to heal David.

3. I just fell victim to the Re-Prayer.

You see, the Re-Prayer is when you pray, and then someone afterwards tries to one up you by praying the exact same thing, but doing it with more class, sophistication, and style. In a group setting, the Re-Prayer is a brutal tactic, essentially telling someone that their prayer is garbage. It is for this reason that the Apostle Paul tells us to pray continuously, for the constant practice will sharpen our skills so that we do not fall victim to the dreaded Re-Prayer.

Christians Pray The Darndest Things

Sometimes when people pray, I just shake my head. Here are the three phrases that cause me the most grief. You've been warned...

1. We just pray...
This is correctly used if you "just" pray about one issue. If you are going to use the word "just," then don't rattle off 45 requests.For example, to say "we just pray about x, and we just pray about y, and we just pray about z" is misleading and infuriating! I think the Bible also teaches us that God gets confused when you pray like that.

2. Give us traveling mercies...
Christians love to create Christianese. This is a perfect example of that. Knock it off. Pray for safety and leave it at that. Sheesh...

3. So and so is sick, please be with them.
I don't even know what to make of this one. God is everywhere at all times. He is always with everyone. To pray for something that is intrinsic to the character of God is for me to pray that my wife would be a woman.


 

The Gender Bender Prayer

Guys like to act tough. They talk and act hard. They lift weights and get tattoos so that people will be intimidated by how tough they are. And usually, it works! That is, until they begin praying. Let me explain. A population exists of tough guys, who prior to opening their mouth to pray, speak with a tough and grizzled voice. Their voice is deep and frightening. Yet, when they pray, their voice raises by 3 octaves. The speak as if training for a sex change. These gnarled men say "thee's" and "thou's" and use a vocabulary of 19th century British nobility. And then, "Amen" is uttered and they return to speaking like the tough and gritty person they have always portrayed themselves to be. It is an interesting thing indeed. If you have not aware of this phenomenon, I encourage to keep your ears open, because you will hear it sooner or later. You will hear what is now familiar to my ears...the tough guys who prays like a sissy.

And if I haven't ruined public prayer for you already, come back tomorrow!

A Guide to Ranking Competitive Prayer

Christians are often asked to get together in groups to pray over something. These times can be great moments of prayer as Christians lift up issues to Almighty God. But, these times are also moments of competition, in which Christians try to one up one another with more holy and pleasing prayers to God. None can deny this phenomenon (especially when the group consists of all guys), but without an objective way to measure prayer success, no winner can be declared. Until now! I present you with the Holy Of Holies Prayer Success Ranker. As you pray, you will be scored based on what occurs during your prayer session. Now, we have an official and objective way to measure prayer success!


The Holy of Holies Prayer Success Ranker

1. Someone says "Yes, Lord" during your prayer.  +1
2. Someone says "Amen" during your prayer.  +1
3. Someone groans in agreement with your prayer.  +.5
4. Someone yawns during your prayer.  -1
5. Someone falls asleep during your prayer  -10
6. Someone says "Hallelujah" or "Praise Jesus" during your prayer  +3
7. Your prayer brings someone to tears.  +5
8. Someone doesn't say "Amen" at the end of your prayer.  -1
9. Some laughs at your prayer.  -3
10. Someone laughs with you during your prayer.  +3
11. Your phone goes off during your prayer.  -3
12. You quote scripture during your prayer. +2
13. You begin your prayer by saying "Dear God."  -1
14. You refer to God as "Abba Father." +2
15. You refer to God as "Daddy."  +4
16. If another person refers to God as "Daddy" after you. + 2
17. You gossip about somebody during your prayer.  -2
18. You gossip about somebody during your prayer and that person is in the prayer circle.  +2
19. You break out into worship song during your prayer.  +5
20. You use a quote from any secular movie, t.v. show, or song during your prayer. +1 (+3 if someone says "Hallelujah" or "Praise Jesus" after you quote the line)
21. Your stomach grumbles audibly during the prayer. -1
22. You being coughing or sneezing during your prayer. -1
23. You begin speaking in tongues during your prayer.  +7
24. Someone else begins speaking in tongues during your prayer. +10
25. Someone in the prayer circle is miraculously healed during your prayer. +20.
26. The building your prayer group is in collapses. -30
27. The building your prayer group is in collapses but no one is killed or injured. +30
28. Someone in the group becomes possessed by a demon during your prayer.  -40
29. You are possessed by a demon during your prayer.  -50
30. Jesus returns to earth during your prayer.  +1,000,000

Youth Ministry Paradoxes

Here are some paradoxes I have noticed in youth ministry.

1. Youth pastors teach the students about the importance of spiritual, physical, and emotional health and how all of these are related.Then there is a youth group event and youth pastors pump the students full of chips, candy, and soda.

2. Youth pastors teach students to turn the other cheek. That is, until a student tries to prank the youth pastor. At that point, 7 bowls of holy judgment will be poured upon that foolish child.

3. Youth pastors teach the importance of priorities and boundaries and then we proceed to mock students when they cannot stay up til 2 a..m playing Xbox on a weeknight.

What other paradoxes have you noticed in youth ministry? Let me know in the comments section!

Food For Thought

Sometimes in youth ministry you don't eat dinner hoping the youth or adult leaders will show up having brought food. Here are three reasons why that is a bad idea:

1. Students rarely bring food. When they do, they usually bring dinner for themselves. Mooching food was cool in high school, but those days are long gone. It puts you in an awkward spot and it's pretty much lose - lose.

2. If students bring food, it's usually junk food. Sure you fill your stomach, but your risk of diabetes increased by 47%

3. Sometimes good food is brought to be shared, but the students got their slobbery gums all over the edible goodness they want to share. Not interested, thanks though.

Facebook Spirituality: Part 2

Part of the Facebook experience is coming across your friends who post religious content. Often times someone will post a bible verse, a meme, or a quote from a pastor or theologian. I am grateful we have the freedom to post things of a religious nature. Nonetheless, having the freedom to do something doesn't necessarily imply you should. Let me give you an example:

An individual posts a meme like the one below. The attempt is noble and to encourage friends to be aware that the Christian life cannot be turned on and off. 

The problem arises when the good spiritual meme was sandwiched by 2 inappropriate memes. I would love to show you an example, but this is a family friendly blog. The fact is, there is no such thing as an inappropriate meme that is appropriate for this site. Trust me, a google search confirmed this. Nevertheless, when you post something about "$^#% and their #^%@ all over the $*&%$&#*" and then post the Christian meme, you are not doing yourself or your Christian brothers and sisters any favor.

Now, according to a discovery last week, not only do I love Satan, I also bear his likeness. Perhaps I am unqualified to give any advice on matters of Christiany things, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

Facebook Spirituality

For those who frequent Facebook, you have undoubtedly come across pictures similar to the one shown here.

Since I kept scrolling, apparently I love Satan. I apologize for this inconvenience, as it probably will hinder my ministry. I thought I loved Jesus and I thought I was doing a good job of serving the kingdom, but that all came crashing down as I unsanctimoniously scrolled down the facebook page.  What is also concerning to me is the fact that I look like Satan. Perhaps we are related? Maybe this explains why I couldn't share the photo as I had some sort of subconscious awareness of our familial ties.

Nonetheless, I am sure this new found love for the devil comes as a shock to you all. I sincerely apologize and will try to overcome this new found infatuation with Satanas!

Youth Pastor's Bane

There are many hazards to a youth pastor's health. One they don't tell you about in seminary is girl scouts and their treacherously delicious cookies. This is how it generally goes down. It is a typical Wednesday night service, and next thing you know you are surrounded by two or three girl scouts. You cannot buy cookies from just one scout, so you commit to buying from all three. And of course they look at you with those puppy dog eyes and you cannot resist but to buy 10 boxes from each scout. Next thing you know, you've spent $120 on cookies that will do nothing more than induce laziness and pollute your arteries. You vow next year to not fall for their siren's song, but every year, you are helpless to resist.

I know at our church we use the tagline "All are welcome," but I'm seriously considering an amendment that bans those foul temptresses and their maliciously sweet cookies.

The Beards of Ministry

This photo was sent to me by my good friend, Philip Powers. Gave me a laugh and I figured I had to share it. Enjoy!

Words I Like To Use In Sermons

Working on a sermon for Sunday, so I don't have as much time for blogging. Nonetheless, I am really excited to use the word "impotent" in this week's message. That is all.

Good Idea, Bad Idea

Good Idea - Riding your bike to church.

Bad Idea - Riding your bike to church when you have a cold on a day in which you need to work on a sermon for Sunday.

Infectious Christianity

It is a known fact that people like hugging pastors. This becomes tricky business when you are a pastor that is sick. I learned that all too well this past Sunday.

Not wanting to spread the plague that has infected me over the past few days, I try to keep my distance from handshakers and huggers. When people wanted to greet me, I bumped elbows (it has been scientifically proven that germs cannot be spread through elbow bumping) or did some other goofy gesture that showed my delight at seeing someone in manner that kept the germs to myself.

Sometimes though, germ sharing simply cannot be avoided. Sometimes people sneak up on you and take a hug. Before you even realize what has happened, your arms are around another person. You release your grip, fearing only the worst for the person you hugged as you are too embarrassed to warn them of the fate that surely will befall them.

Sometimes I get caught up in the excitement of greeting someone. I stick out my hand to shake their hand (usually a dude because it always feels awkward to give a woman a handshake. Am I alone in this?) and then as the person reaches out to grasp my hand I remember I am sick. It's too late to retract my hand, that would be awkward and rude. Sure enough they make contact, grasping my disease ridden hand. I give them a smile, but internally I cry, knowing I have just sent an innocent person to the grave.

But what if I see someone at church that I truly despise? Well I do what the Bible tells me to do. I follow Romans 16:16 and greet them with a kiss!

Top 5 Truth Statements About Camp

5. There is always one student who is unable to roll his/her sleeping bag up.

4. There is always one table of students who play that stupid cup passing game.

3. There is always one student who snores, and then denies it.

2. There is always one student who is constantly asking "when is the next free time?"

1. There is always one student that forgets underwear and/or deodorant.

Of Gruel and Goo

Trying out your particular brand of humor on strangers is a risky thing. For example, this past weekend, I took our students to Winter Camp. At the breakfast line, I asked for what I thought was cream of wheat. I was corrected as the cafeteria lady told me what it was. Unfortunately I couldn't understand what she said. Nonetheless, this unknown breakfast substance was very delicious. I quickly consumed my serving and returned for a second helping. The same cafeteria lady asked what I wanted to eat and I responded by asking for "mystery goo." Although she knew what I wanted, her scowl showed that she was not amused by me.

The following morning in the breakfast line, I noticed they were serving what appeared to be oatmeal. Since I was wrong about the cream of wheat the morning prior, I was hesitant to ask for oatmeal. Instead, I used the most generic term I knew for such a substance and I asked for a bowl of gruel. Similarly, this cafeteria worker knew what I was asking for. Unlike the cafeteria lady before him, he chuckled and was amused by my antics.


All this goes to show is that some people get you and appreciate your style. Everyone else? Well they clearly lack culture and sophistication.

Dear Grumpy Camp Worker

Dear Grumpy Camp Worker,

I apologize for my students and me being such a burden on you this weekend. Every interaction with us seemed grueling and painful. Never mind the fact that you are a paid worker. Never mind the fact that you chose to work with Junior and High School students. We are to blame. Never again will we inconvenience you by showing up to the events that you are in charge of. Never again will we ask you to call the RN on duty. Never again would we dare ask you a favor. In fact, we will do everything in our power to stay out of your way and to ensure that your weekend requires no interaction with students. We can't wait until we see your cheery face next year!

Best wishes,

Frontline Youth Ministry

Sometimes...

Sometimes I go visit other churches. I always ask to see their youth room. That way I can secretly judge how cool or lame they are based on what their youth room looks like.

Sometimes I go visit other churches. I like to see how stocked their food pantry is. That way I can secretly judge whether they love the community as much as my church does.

Sometimes I go visit other churches. I like to see if they have a large grassy area for students to play on. That way I can secretly spray grass killer on the lawn because I'm jealous that our church doesn't have a grassy area.

Sometimes I go visit other churches. I like to hear their musicians play. That way I can compare their worship band to my church's worship band.

Sometimes I go visit other churches. I like to look at the people sitting in their pews. That way I can secretly judge them for not being like me and going to church for all the right reasons.

Winter Advisory

Winter Camp is quickly approaching, and I am stoked! Sure the food is sub-par and I only get like a total of 6 hours of sleep, but I still love me some Winter Camp. It was in fact attending a Winter Camp with students many years ago that compelled me to go into ministry. So this is an exciting time. There will be many laughs, probably some cries, and some very putrid, stinky cabins (at least on the boys side of camp).  And as the weekend is approaching, I ask that you be praying.


Students: Be praying that the Lord will give you ears to hear what he is saying. Pray that distractions and barriers would be removed that would limit your experience of God's love for you.

Leaders: Pray for the students and that you will continue to grow in love for them. Pray that your capacity to be a mentor and leader would grow.

Adults: Pray for safety and pray that we would come back as a closer, tighter knit group!

Many thanks to those who have supported us through the various fundraising events and many thanks to those great parents who are shuttling us to and from camp! Much love to you all!

Perspective

Last summer, I took my students camping. We leisurely hiked portions of the American River and the Rubicon River. We played in the water, jumped off of rocks, and enjoyed the warm sun. It was a time of rest and relaxation as we could freely enjoy the outdoors without the burden of society upon our shoulders. It truly was heaven. My students called it fat camp. Perspective sure is a funny thing...

We all see and interact with this world differently. As  pondered over the last few days, I was convicted. My perspective is certainly different from the Lord's (how shocking!). Here is my prayer:

"O Lord, give me a glimpse of your divine perspective. 

Expand my capacity to see and understand the world as you do. 

May I never grow disillusioned with the people you have called me to love. 

And may I find joy in learning to serve you.

O Lord, be patient.

Equip me with courage.

Teach me in love.

And show me your perspective." 

The Unwanted Prayer

Students like it when I pray for them to do well on a school exam. They don't like it as much when I pray this:

"Lord, regardless of how so and so does on their exam, remind them that their identity is in you and not in their grades."

Sports Talk

I am not the best person at keeping a conversation going. Often, I don't know what to do with my freakishly long arms (true story, I often have to buy suits from the "irregular" rack because my arms are long for my height.). I can be prone to those awkward pauses and goofy smiles as I try to say something meaningful. My ability to hold a conversation is dramatically improved if the subject matter is regarding sports. Like many other men I know, I am very comfortable conversing about sports. One of the best parts about a conversation/argument on sports is defending players I love and chastising those I hate. Nevertheless, someone can drop a bomb that makes the entire conversation awkward.

Let me explain. Let's say I present my case on why I don't like Player X. Rather than refute my points, my opponents response is "Well, you know, Player X is a devout Christian."

What about I supposed to say to that? If I continue to chastise Player X than I will be guilty of hating a brother/sister in Christ. If I am no longer critical of Player X, then that shows that my convictions are weak. I don't want to be accused of being a flip flopper, but I don't want to hate on the Kingdom of God either.

So, before you drop the "Player X is a devout Christian" bomb, please consider the anxiety you will cause me. This might be one of those situations where ignorance is bliss.

Suit And Sour

This past Saturday, Frontline hosted the Second Annual Winter Banquet. If you are unfamiliar with this event, the youth at SVCC host a fancy dinner for the adults at the church. To add to the aura of it all, the youth dress up in fancy clothes and serve and interact with the adults. Not to be outdone by my beloved youth, I too wore a suit. Many in the church were shocked an surprised. One individual asked me why I don't dress in a suit when I preach. While unable to respond at the time, I now present my top 10 reasons why I do not wear a suit to church when I preach.

A Bohm in a suit is a rare thing indeed.

10. The Youth Pastor code strictly prohibits me from wearing a suit unless I am officiating a funeral/wedding, going to an interview, or playing paintball.

9. Fancy clothes actually would hinder my ability to recall my manuscript. For example, in college I learned that if a student was under the influence of drugs when he/she was studying for an exam, he/she should  take the exam under the influence of those same drugs. I cannot remember the name of that effect, but that effect also applies to preaching. If I do my study in casual clothes, I should also preach in casual clothes. To do anything else would be detrimental to my sermon and to the body of Christ.

8. Putting on a suit takes more time and energy than normal clothes. Ain't nobody got time for that.

7. Since I look so dashing in a suit, the listener would be unable to focus on the words coming out of my mouth.

6. I'm rebelling against my Baptist and Lutheran upbringing.

5. I don't know how to iron clothes.

4. I'd get divorced if I asked my wife to iron my clothes every Saturday night.

3. It's harder to swing Elliot Even around when restricted by a suit.

2. To wear a suit would be an insult to John the Baptist and all that he stood for.

1. I'm a slob. There I said it, are you happy?

Late Sanctification

Some people are always late. I am not one of those people. Those people drive me nuts. Nonetheless, in a grand gesture of heroism, I will offer a tip to all my friends with a delayed disposition. For remember, people grow weary of your excuses. At some point, your friends and family will no longer buy your excuses that attempt to explain your consistent lack of punctuality. Some suggest the solution is to be punctual. I disagree though. You just need a better excuse. Fortunately, I am here to help and I present to you two valid excuses that will have even the most critical of folks forgive your laggard like ways.

The 10:25
As in Luke 10:25-37. That's the parable on the Good Samaritan for those that didn't know. Just like that noble Samaritan, you must help someone in aid. And in doing so, no one will condemn you for being late. No, you will recognized as a hero and as a modern day Good Samaritan. "How noble" is what they will say when they find out you took a old, poor, wounded war widow to the hospital.

Now, I don't condone lying, so you must actually help someone in distress to legally use this excuse, and if you are the one that causes the distress, I am okay with that. If you need to beat up a war widow so that you have a target for your humanitarian efforts, by all means, beat up the war widow. Just never lie about it because lying is a sin.

The Billy Graham
This is the granddaddy of excuses. The ultimate way to get out of being late is to share the Gospel with someone. It doesn't matter how late you are if this is your excuse. Imagine you are late to an important dinner party. Do you really think anyone will give you a hard time for being late because you were spreading the Gospel message? For if anyone even looks disgruntled at you, you simply respond, "Isn't the salvation of a human being more important than our dinner party? So, if you are running late, stop at the gas station and start talking about Jesus. Not only might might the Kingdom of God gain a member, but you now have the ultimate justification for your dawdling.




**Warning** These excuses might not work on Non-Christians. Use at your own discretion

What Matters Most

Like many of my peers, receiving an education was something that was vitally important. This notion was passed down from my parents and reinforced by the Claremont sub-culture. As a result, it was inconceivable to do anything other than attend college after high school. I received my B.A. in 2006 and then, after a short break, I returned to school for my M.Div. I received my degree in 2010. While I was filled with pride over the accomplishment, I was not so naive to think that others shared in my pride. Nevertheless, I had put in the time to learn and study, and I saw myself as someone who was qualified to serve in ministry.

And perhaps, when you work with adults, experience and education are important qualities to determine if someone is qualified for a job. I work with students though. Students are not impressed with how many degrees you hold or what your GPA was. My students were consumed with matters of a more spiritual nature, such as the fact that I own a Xbox 360 and a Nintendo Wii. They were also impressed with the quality of my beard and my overwhelming baldness, but that's a conversation for another time.

So a word of a wisdom to all those considering ministry with students. Education is essential, and I am convinced that solid training and education is a critical part to serving in ministry, but at the end of the day, no one is impressed with where you went to school or what degree you got. But if you got a video game console (with 4 controller so they can play too), you can go anywhere in youth ministry!

A Modest Apology

As a youth pastor, I primarily spend time with the youth of our church (how shocking!). But on occasion, I venture into dangerous territory and I speak with adults. I like chatting with the adults, but sometimes I wonder if they like speaking with me. Here is an example of a conversation:

Adult: How was your week?

Me: It was great, but just super tiring.

Adult: Oh, is that so? What all came up?

Me: Well I took a few students out to lunch on Tuesday, then on Wednesday we had youth group and then the all-nighter, so I was up all night playing games and hanging out with students. Then on Friday we got together again and played more video games and board games and ate pizza. How was your week?

Adult: (At this point, they begin to wander off, mumbling under their breath. This is all that I can make out) "Lousy mermafu wake up 4:45 a.m., ferggan reduclou garou bills grarun aret traffic un del wih spid boss un leam staft meetings...."

Me:  Have a nice day!



So, I apologize to all the "real adults" out there in the world. I apologize for talking to you as if I were your equal. Now, excuse me, I have to go play mini-golf with a few students.

Youth Group Urban Legends

I don't know of any student who was part of a youth group that doesn't know how to play Chubby Bunny. It is a hilarious game that involves stuffing marshmallows into your mouth, one at a time. while trying to say the phrase "Chubby Bunny" after each marshmallow is inserted into said mouth.

While popular, I have not seen the game played in years. This is because of a infamous rumor that spread around youth groups that stated a girl died while playing chubby bunny. I never knew if it was true or not, but a visit to Snopes confirmed the rumor to be true. You can read the article here: Snopes Article on Chubby Bunny Urban Legend.

So with the news now confirmed, I can confidently say my students will never ever play Chubby Bunny under my watch. Rather, we will stick to safer games like Anarchy Ball, Savage Women, and other such games where students are required to tackle and maim each other.

The Legends of Dodgeball

Students love dodgeball. It is a game that appeals to a wide variety of students in youth groups across America. And every group that gathers to play dodgeball has their characters. Here a few I've noticed.

1. The Sneaker - Oh No! A ball grazed off your shoulder. A quick glance to the judges confirms that the judges missed it. Then play on! Yet, little do they know I see all, and they missed their opportunity to come clean. I love nothing more than to publicly humiliate the sneaker for their cheating ways.

 2. The Debater - When this person is called out by the judges, be warned, for you will now receive a five minute presentation on how the ball physically could not of hit them. Never mind the fact that everyone in the room all saw the same thing happen.

3. The Kamikaze - Conservative play is for the weak. This person plays on the front lines and they have one goal. Take out as many people before their inevitable removal from the game.

4. The Coward - This person is usually a male who hides behind the females for protection. For shame...

5. The King - This is the youth pastor, who hides behind students and gives them the honor of being sacrificial pawns. He is to be praised for sending honorable boys and girls to their demise for a just and righteous cause.

6. The Rifle - This is the student who plays baseball. All respect his/her rocket arm. Be warned if you mess with The Rifle.

7. The Cursed - A voodoo witch doctor certainly placed a curse on this young individual, for never in the history of dodgeball has someone taken so many shots below the belt. Despite our uncontrollable laughter, we truly are sympathetic.

8. The Wriggler - Heaven forbid this student is hit by the ball and removes himself/herself from the game in an appropriate manner. Rather, the ball strikes him/her and so begins a 2 minute convulsion and death sequence. Nothing can stop this individual from this artistic interpretation of their dodgeball death, except for a few more balls thrown his/her way...especially when thrown by The Rifle.

9. The Liability - This person is a bit of an enigma, but somehow and in someway, they do more damage to their team then good. Whether it is deflecting a ball into a teammate or simply bumbling around, this person is dangerous to stand next to. In some absurd way, your removal from the game will not be at the hands of the enemy, but rather at the clumsiness of your ally.

10. That One Girl - She intends to throw the ball forwards, yet by some mystery it goes backwards. Yes this really happened, and we may never see such a tactical display ever again. Those that witnessed it might never see anything like it ever again.

Got any others to add? Show me in the comments section!

Holiday Mulligan

I love the holidays for many reasons and I imagine I'm not alone in my love for the holidays. Some people love the time off of work/school. For others its the buying and giving of gifts. And others are all about the Christmas parties. Everyone has their favorite thing/things about the holidays. But my favorite thing about the holidays is what I call the "Holiday Mulligan." You see, I intend to be a person of integrity. I try to let my "yes" be "yes" and my "no" be "no." If you are counting me, I do everything in my power to be reliable. Call me crazy, but this is the code that I live by. And sometimes, I'll let someone down. Sometimes I will be at fault and I will need to apologize for not coming through.

I noticed something interesting during this busy Christmas season though. I had made several pledges to people during the course of the holidays. In typical fashion, I overbooked myself and committed to too many things. As I result, I ended up letting people down. But to my surprise, folks are more forgiving than usual, and it occurred to me, rather than take responsibility, just blame the holidays. By some mystery, people are 88% more forgiving if you made a mistake due to the busyness of the holidays.


Forgot to respond to an important phone call? Ran over the neighbors dog? Left your kid at the restaurant when he/she went to the bathroom? No worries, just blame the holidays. People will understand. This, my friends, is the beauty of the holiday season! Not only are are their food, friends, and festivities, but we also have the the ultimate get out of jail card, the Holiday Mulligan! Just blame the holidays and watch your worries go away.

On an unrelated note, some of you were wondering why I haven't been updating the blog the last week and a half. With the holidays and whatnot, I'm sure you will understand why I couldn't keep writing.

Good to be back my friends! I'm one week late (holidays kept me busy you know), but Happy New Year!