Things They Don't Teach In Seminary - Part III

I am proud graduate from Talbot School of Theology. I feel as if they did an exceptional job in preparing me for vocational ministry. Nevertheless, Bald Wisdom is presenting (a long overdue) series on "Things That They Don't Teach In Seminary. Enjoy.

Part III - Games

I don't know what percentage of my time is spent playing games, but I play a considerable amount of outdoor games, board games, and video games with my students. It is a perk of the job to fellowship and interact with students in this manner. My fellow youth pastors would agree with me on this. From my experience, I have discovered that students love beating their youth pastor in any type of game (although that truly is a rare experience). Now, if the youth pastor were a pushover, then the joy the students experience is quite limited and students will get bored. Anecdotal evidence (which is the best kind of evidence) has taught me that students that are bored are most likely to cause trouble and/or walk away from the Lord. Students enjoy a challenge, and if the youth pastor is a challenging opponent, then students relish the opportunity to slay Goliath. They will stay engaged to the church in search of the pursuit of victory. Furthermore, when the student achieves victory, that moment will be as sweet as honey found in the carcass of a lion.

So with this in mind, seminaries need to prepare pastors that will work with children, youth, and young adults to compete at a high level in a variety of games. Otherwise, our students will grow bored when they constantly win when playing with their youth pastor, which will ultimately cause them to leave the church.

This also makes me wonder if a youth pastor can truly be trusted if he can't handle a video game controller or play foosball?

All this is to say that our seminary students need to be prepared to be able to game and game effectively upon graduation. I recommend a minimum of 3 classes that focus on outdoor games, board games, and video games.

I am eternally grateful to my seminary, but they really dropped the ball on this one...

Things That They Don't Teach In Seminary - Part II

I am a proud graduate from Talbot School of Theology. I feel as if they did an exceptional job in preparing me for vocational ministry. Nevertheless, Bald Wisdom is presenting (a long overdue) series on "Things That They Don't Teach In Seminary." Enjoy.

Part II - Auto Shop

Few people go into ministry for the pursuit of monetary rewards. I am no exception, but this is not to say that I am not content with my compensation and the lifestyle that it affords me. I consider myself quite blessed...until the car breaks down. Then it's mass panic. A mechanic will cost me an arm and a leg, yet my desire to save money cries out loudly, despite my inability to differentiate between a spark plug and a screw driver. I, like many of my peers in seminary, am a nerd. And for many of us, we were more interested in studying Greek than in picking up a wrench. So I have one request to our beloved seminaries. Teach your students to work on their cars. We are not dumb people, although you certainly wouldn't know it when we put our heads under the hood. Life is expensive and cars break down. So do your graduates a favor and teach them a few things about how to repair the car. All the biblical training in the world is no good if you can't get to church. After all, doesn't Paul tell the Corinthians in chapter 13,

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all the mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but do not have a car, how will I get to the church to tell anyone?

I am eternally grateful to my seminary, but they really dropped the ball on this one...

Things They Don't Teach In Seminary - Part I

I am a proud graduate from Talbot School of Theology. I feel as if they did an exceptional job in preparing me for vocational ministry. Nevertheless, no seminary can provide 100% of the training someone will need to be successful. Therefore, Bald Wisdom is presenting (a long overdue) series on "Things They Don't Teach In Seminary." Enjoy.

Part I - Ants

Youth rooms, in theory, are filled with students. And occasionally, you provide food and drink to the students who happen to be loitering in the youth room. Moreover, said students, often bring a variety of consumables into said room. Often times these consumables are of a sugary nature. Sodas, candy, Starbucks, smoothies, ice cream and the like. You know, all the stuff that really gets an ant going. And without fail, drinks are spilled, wrappers are left out, and crumbs are dropped. And so the ants come in droves. While I welcome our ant overlords, I understand that some people are bothered by them. So I lay traps...over and over and over again, yet for every ant I kill, two take its place. Some have suggested that I use different brands of traps. Others suggest I spray poison in the youth room. There is also a minority of individuals who have recommended that I learn the language of the ants, gain their trust, and negotiate a peace treaty. 

While all valuable suggestions in their own right, is it not reasonable to suggest that seminaries could have foreseen this issue and prepared me for the endless battle? Surely I am not the only pastor (and definitely not the only youth pastor) who has struggled and battled with ants. Surely my seminary could have given me advice and wisdom on how to eradicate my foe without simultaneously poisoning every human who walks into the youth room. Even Scripture foresaw this battle, as Paul writes to the Ephesians that our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, authorities, and the powers of darkness. He is of course referring to ants!

I am eternally grateful to my seminary, but they really dropped the ball on this one...

Your Ad Here

Every year, I take the graduating high school seniors to a camp called Rock N Water. Every year, they offer me a free shirt if I promote their camp via church website or blog. Well I'm a sucker for a free shirt so I cannot resist.

But in all due seriousness, this is a great place that has been a blessing to my students and to me!

Check them out!

www.rocknwater.com

You Know You Are a Monster When...

...A student says something rude or insensitive and then you realize they picked it up from you.


Lord have mercy...

Things That Make Youth Pastors Neurotic

Youth Pastors are not known for being neurotic, but nevertheless, here are some things that make even the best of youth pastors just a little bit neurotic.

1. When parents want to meet with you....in person.
Everything you have ever done wrong is now flashing before your eyes....

2. Organizing drivers/rides for events. 
Having more students than seats for a trip 6 hours before you depart is never a good feeling.

3. Finding guest speakers while away on vacation.
Always try to avoid bringing in that one speaker who in 15 minutes will contradict the last six months of preaching and teaching.

4. When elders "surprise" visit you.
Once again, everything you have ever done wrong is now flashing before your eyes....

5. Other youth pastors at winter camp who make their students go to bed right at lights out.
Pretty sure the Bible gives me permission to go punch any youth pastor that does this.

6. When students ask "What verse number?" 214 times in the span of six seconds.
"I'll tell you when  I'm ready to tell you!!!!!"

7. When students beat you at anything.
The combination of competitiveness and delight at seeing your student smile victoriously is confusing to me. I'm ecstatic and furious all at the same time.

8. Having to wear long pants and/or shoes (maybe this is just a Bald Wisdom thing?)
The Apostle Paul says to imitate him as he imitated Jesus. They both wore sandals. I'm just doing what Scripture is calling me to do.

9. Answering the same question....over and over and over again.
The bane of youth pastors all over the world!

10. Being away for too long from the students that we pour our lives into. 
It pain's me to say it, but they kinda grow on you.

Things That Make Your Senior Pastor Neurotic

Bald Wisdom brings joy to the world, but sometimes the opposite occurs. Here are a few things that might have happened that have made the pastor just slightly more neurotic.

1. Take credit for his ideas.

2. Preach for less than 15 minutes on a Sunday morning. 

3. Forget to wear a belt on a Sunday morning.

4. Ask if you can video tape his sermons without giving him a reason why.

5. Steal (accidentally) his pens, cough drops, and commentaries.

6. Encourage his children to get into expensive hobbies.

Things That Make Students Neurotic

We all have things in our life that make us just a little bit more neurotic. Here are some things I have observed that make students neurotic.

1. Tell a student you want to speak to them in your office. It's especially fun when you get all serious and morose. They panic and inevitably ask "Am I in trouble?" You sit in silence and let them sweat it out for a few seconds and then proceed to ask if they are coming to the pool party next week. 

2. My personal favorite. List off your pet peeves about things people say when praying, and then ask a student to pray out loud. 

3. Ask a student to read a portion of genealogy from the Old Testament.

4. Play "The Resistance" with students. Nothing like the people you love most breaking your heart repeatedly. 

5. Arbitrarily change the rules to youth group games. 

How to Pretend to Pray

We've all said it. Someone in the church asks us to do something and we open up our handbag of cliches and respond by saying, "I'll pray about it." Now we know we definitely will not pray about it, but lying about being spiritually mature is probably holier than telling the truth about being anti-spiritual. I think it talks about that in the Old Testament somewhere.

Think that is sad? Not even close. This practice is so accepted among Christians, that we now have to qualify when we are legitimately going to pray versus giving lip service. If we are indeed going to pray when someone asks us to do something, we say something along these lines, "I will definitely pray about it this time" or "This time I won't pretend to pray, I really will do it."

And perhaps you are feeling guilty. Maybe you are thinking, "I've done this and now I see the error of my ways." Well not wanting to leave you hanging, Bald Wisdom has a suggestion to appease that guilty conscience. Here's how!

Every night before going to bed, pray this prayer:

"Dear Jesus, I want to pray about all the things that I might have said I would pray about today. Amen"

I am not totally sure what this prayer means or even what it accomplishes, but (and God is your witness), you prayed!

And perhaps someone asks you if you prayed about what ya'll talked about? Well you can confidently say you did in fact pray. 

And if they ask, "So, did God give you an answer?" 

Well, you simply respond, "I'm still waiting for clarity."

And this concludes our lesson on How to Pretend to Pray.

What It Means To Be A Youth Pastor

Being a youth pastor is great! My favorite part about being a youth pastor is meeting new people, and upon finding out that I am a pastor, they make some vain attempt to justify my vocation. Here are some of my favorites, including one I heard last night.

1. Oh....cool.....(followed by awkward silence).

2. So you just hang out with kids for a living?

3. And you went to graduate school for how long to do that?

4. Well, just as long as you are happy....

5. When are you going to get a real job?

When Grace Fails...

An excerpt from my speech to the students playing in the Winter Camp Flag Football Tournament:

"This weekend we have been talking a lot about God's grace and how your identity is in him. The speaker has talked about things like win or lose, you are His and that is all that matters...well right now, that is a bunch of crap. You guys go out there and win this thing or don't come to youth group on Wednesday."

Not a bad job of coaching if I do say so myself. Back to back champs baby!

Winter Camp Win

Having recently returned from Winter Camp with the students, it is natural to reflect on the weekend that was. And it was an amazing weekend with much to share that will hopefully stir up laughter for my loyal readers!

But today starts with a post that is more serious in nature. Nevertheless, I hope your heart is made glad and you smile largely, for this past weekend, two students accepted Christ. And frankly, nothing more needs to be said other than this; God is good.

Three Questions

Last night at youth group I gave out a "what to pack" list to all the students who will be attending Winter Camp next week. As I was writing the list, a question popped into my mind. Why do I have to tell students to bring a toothbrush, deodorant, and underwear? These are common sense items that no one should forget when leaving home for a few days.

Then a second question crossed my mind. Why does at least one student always forget one of those critical items?

And now the gears are really spinning inside my brain and a third question arose. How come I have never run an illegal betting parlour so that I can take bets from congregants as to which student will forget said items?

Lessons in Causing Anxiety

It is an honor and privilege to write college letters of recommendation for students. And despite my joy in writing students a letter, it is not in my nature to do a simple task without having to try some fun. Here are some fun things to say to prospective college students.

1. I'd be happy to write you a letter of recommendation, but I'll have to warn the school about your bed wetting problem.

2. Are you sure you want a convicted felon writing you a letter of recommendation?

3. I'll write you a letter of recommendation, but I loathe the school you are applying to and I will make it known!

4. Due to the influx of letters of recommendation, there is a $5 processing fee. Plus, if you are not accepted into the university, you will be charged an additional $3 for wasting my time.

5. You are too dumb to get into that school, don't waste my time by asking me to write a letter of recommendation.

6. I'll be happy to write you a letter of recommendation, but the last 3 students that had me write for them didn't get accepted into any of the colleges they applied for.

7. I'll write your letter but I want you to know that I will be honest. Like brutally honest. Are you really sure you want me to write your letter of recommendation!?

Bible Translation Guide

A humorous web comic that I would like to share. Here is the original link: http://adam4d.com/translations/

Mixed Messages

Having been to several pastor/leadership conferences as well as reading books on the subject, improving as a leader is more complicated than I had thought. Depending on who you ask, what you read, or who you listen to, the messages can be quite contradictory.

Here are some examples.

1. Always be yourself. Unless you are not very good. Then be someone else.

2. People are messy and change is slow, but if there are problems in the church, it is the fault of the pastor/leader.

3. People don't remember your sermons. Rather, they will remember you by your interaction with them, but make sure you at spend at least 20 hours a week preparing a sermon (quite possibly the most antisocial activity a pastor can engage in).

4. Good leaders have strong boundaries, but bad leaders say "that's not my job."

5. A good leader gets things done at all costs, but a bad leader puts ministry ahead of family.

I hope you are all as confused as I am.

Back By Popular Demand?

It is encouraging when you disappear from the blogosphere and people actually notice. Since last summer, some events in my life led to a loss of motivation in maintaining the official Bald Wisdom blog (Are there unofficial Bald Wisdom blogs?) But, a new found motivation, combined with some encouraging words from friends, have rekindled a desire to share my nonsensical, but hopefully comedic, musings.

And since I am back writing, I want to return to where it all started. You see, when I first began blogging, I wrote about the Bible App Beat Down, in which I, as a speaker/teacher call out a student for playing with his/her phone, only to have the student show me that his/her bible app is open and they are following along diligently. Well I have gotten better at identifying students that have their bible app. I do not walk into that trap as frequently. But inevitably, a new force has emerged, heinous and evil! Now in the middle of a message, I see students plunking away on their touch screen keyboard. Assumptions run rampant. Texting? Playing a game? "Regardless, I will catch them and expose their insolence" I whisper to myself. And so, I make some sarcastic quip and my feelings of superiority immediately vanish when the student shows me a note taking app. Inadvertently, I have accused a student for being a knave, only to discover they have been writing down my every word. An apology does little to cover the shame.

And so, I now tread delicately and look for the advice. Maybe I just keep my mouth shut? But that has never been my style. Perhaps if I am suspicious of a student, I ask nicely for them to put it away rather than making a sarcastic quip? That doesn't seem very fun. Perhaps a complex system of mirrors mounted to the walls so that I can see all? Now that's an idea! Just need to find financial backers now...