The Least Of These

In case you missed yesterday's post, today we continue our discussion on great injuries in youth group history.

#3 The Least Of These

For many years, Wednesday night's had a definitive rhythm. After youth group ended, the next 30 minutes of the evening consisted of me chasing students around. I was often shoeless and armed with the blunt but deadly pool noodle. On one such occasion, I was chasing down a student as I scampered through the youth room. I closed the distance between us, reaching absurd speeds. I'm pretty sure I clocked in at mach 3. Right before I delivered a devastating blow, my pinky toe came into contact with the leg of the chair. At those speeds, injury was inevitable. I fell to the ground, and immediately got that peculiar, yet familiar sense in my stomach; the one that only occurs when I break a bone or tear a ligament. With utmost certainly, I knew I had just broken my toe. While the pain was severe, there is little you can do when breaking your little toe. A hospital visit would be senseless as they would send me home and tell me to rest it. Friends and family members were unsympathetic and the reality is, no one cares if you break a toe. It is not a glamorous injury. No one gets babes after a gnarly toe injury.

So I learned a lesson that day. Broken toes in youth ministry account for nothing. Most people didn't even believe me that it was broken, and those that did believe me didn't care. Never again would I do something so foolish as to chase students around without shoes on.

Flip-Flop

Some people think being a youth pastor is easy. Some have suggested that all I do is read the bible, hang with students, and go out to eat. That's not entirely false, but what they fail to understand is the physical strain that youth pastors subject their bodies too. Similar to an NFL player, youth pastors put their bodies on the line, week in and week out! So, to bring awareness of youth ministry related injuries, I dedicate this week to my favorite injuries that have occurred while being in youth ministry!


#4. Flip-Flop

Once upon a time I was helping at a youth group. There were three gymnasts who attended. One evening, prior to playing our game, they were doing gymnast stuff. You know, just running around, doing flips and twists and rolls on the grassy lawn. In a moment of brilliance, I decided I would run across the grass, spring off of my hands and impress these students with my fancy moves. I've watched plenty of Olympics, I'm pretty athletic, and I got Romanian blood in me, so this stuff should come naturally to me, right? So, I ran across the grass, initiated the cartwheel and sprung off of my hands. I was in the air and realized I have never been in this position in my life. I did know if I was flipping or twisting. Only God knows what my body was doing in the air. I came crashing down to earth, landing firmly on my back. Realizing that it was foolish to try something I had no training for, I hobbled away from the field. It took a few weeks to recover from that fall. Never again did I try something so foolish.

Come back tomorrow for #3 on my list!

The Re - Prayer

My church softball league started up again last night, and despite the fact that we won, our team looked rather comical when we took to the field to play defense. Tons of missed throws, dropped balls, and of course yours truly bobbling the ball in the infield in classic Bald Wisdom style. While our bloopers are generally amusing, one particular blooper had us all holding our breath. Our left fielder, David, misplayed a fly ball that hit him in the forehead, cutting him open and leaving a nasty mark. While we laugh at it now, it was initially scary. Fortunately, he is doing well.

And as we do at the end of all our softball games, the teams gather together to pray. Usually the prayers go something like this:

"Dear God,

Thank you for allowing us to come out and play this wonderful game. Thank you that no one got hurt (this is the ultimate middle finger when prayed and someone did in fact get hurt) and we pray for traveling mercies on our way home.

Amen."

I was asked to pray, so naturally I prayed for David and the injury he sustained during the game. I walked back to the dugout and was one of the last players to arrive to the dugout, only to discover that another teammate of mine was laying hands on David and praying for him. A few things ran through my head:

1. Dang, my prayer sucked.

2. My teammate has a closer connection to God, and therefore was inclined to pray, knowing that my prayer lacked the efficacy needed to heal David.

3. I just fell victim to the Re-Prayer.

You see, the Re-Prayer is when you pray, and then someone afterwards tries to one up you by praying the exact same thing, but doing it with more class, sophistication, and style. In a group setting, the Re-Prayer is a brutal tactic, essentially telling someone that their prayer is garbage. It is for this reason that the Apostle Paul tells us to pray continuously, for the constant practice will sharpen our skills so that we do not fall victim to the dreaded Re-Prayer.

Christians Pray The Darndest Things

Sometimes when people pray, I just shake my head. Here are the three phrases that cause me the most grief. You've been warned...

1. We just pray...
This is correctly used if you "just" pray about one issue. If you are going to use the word "just," then don't rattle off 45 requests.For example, to say "we just pray about x, and we just pray about y, and we just pray about z" is misleading and infuriating! I think the Bible also teaches us that God gets confused when you pray like that.

2. Give us traveling mercies...
Christians love to create Christianese. This is a perfect example of that. Knock it off. Pray for safety and leave it at that. Sheesh...

3. So and so is sick, please be with them.
I don't even know what to make of this one. God is everywhere at all times. He is always with everyone. To pray for something that is intrinsic to the character of God is for me to pray that my wife would be a woman.


 

The Gender Bender Prayer

Guys like to act tough. They talk and act hard. They lift weights and get tattoos so that people will be intimidated by how tough they are. And usually, it works! That is, until they begin praying. Let me explain. A population exists of tough guys, who prior to opening their mouth to pray, speak with a tough and grizzled voice. Their voice is deep and frightening. Yet, when they pray, their voice raises by 3 octaves. The speak as if training for a sex change. These gnarled men say "thee's" and "thou's" and use a vocabulary of 19th century British nobility. And then, "Amen" is uttered and they return to speaking like the tough and gritty person they have always portrayed themselves to be. It is an interesting thing indeed. If you have not aware of this phenomenon, I encourage to keep your ears open, because you will hear it sooner or later. You will hear what is now familiar to my ears...the tough guys who prays like a sissy.

And if I haven't ruined public prayer for you already, come back tomorrow!

A Guide to Ranking Competitive Prayer

Christians are often asked to get together in groups to pray over something. These times can be great moments of prayer as Christians lift up issues to Almighty God. But, these times are also moments of competition, in which Christians try to one up one another with more holy and pleasing prayers to God. None can deny this phenomenon (especially when the group consists of all guys), but without an objective way to measure prayer success, no winner can be declared. Until now! I present you with the Holy Of Holies Prayer Success Ranker. As you pray, you will be scored based on what occurs during your prayer session. Now, we have an official and objective way to measure prayer success!


The Holy of Holies Prayer Success Ranker

1. Someone says "Yes, Lord" during your prayer.  +1
2. Someone says "Amen" during your prayer.  +1
3. Someone groans in agreement with your prayer.  +.5
4. Someone yawns during your prayer.  -1
5. Someone falls asleep during your prayer  -10
6. Someone says "Hallelujah" or "Praise Jesus" during your prayer  +3
7. Your prayer brings someone to tears.  +5
8. Someone doesn't say "Amen" at the end of your prayer.  -1
9. Some laughs at your prayer.  -3
10. Someone laughs with you during your prayer.  +3
11. Your phone goes off during your prayer.  -3
12. You quote scripture during your prayer. +2
13. You begin your prayer by saying "Dear God."  -1
14. You refer to God as "Abba Father." +2
15. You refer to God as "Daddy."  +4
16. If another person refers to God as "Daddy" after you. + 2
17. You gossip about somebody during your prayer.  -2
18. You gossip about somebody during your prayer and that person is in the prayer circle.  +2
19. You break out into worship song during your prayer.  +5
20. You use a quote from any secular movie, t.v. show, or song during your prayer. +1 (+3 if someone says "Hallelujah" or "Praise Jesus" after you quote the line)
21. Your stomach grumbles audibly during the prayer. -1
22. You being coughing or sneezing during your prayer. -1
23. You begin speaking in tongues during your prayer.  +7
24. Someone else begins speaking in tongues during your prayer. +10
25. Someone in the prayer circle is miraculously healed during your prayer. +20.
26. The building your prayer group is in collapses. -30
27. The building your prayer group is in collapses but no one is killed or injured. +30
28. Someone in the group becomes possessed by a demon during your prayer.  -40
29. You are possessed by a demon during your prayer.  -50
30. Jesus returns to earth during your prayer.  +1,000,000

Youth Ministry Paradoxes

Here are some paradoxes I have noticed in youth ministry.

1. Youth pastors teach the students about the importance of spiritual, physical, and emotional health and how all of these are related.Then there is a youth group event and youth pastors pump the students full of chips, candy, and soda.

2. Youth pastors teach students to turn the other cheek. That is, until a student tries to prank the youth pastor. At that point, 7 bowls of holy judgment will be poured upon that foolish child.

3. Youth pastors teach the importance of priorities and boundaries and then we proceed to mock students when they cannot stay up til 2 a..m playing Xbox on a weeknight.

What other paradoxes have you noticed in youth ministry? Let me know in the comments section!