Christmas Show and Tell

After Christmas, many of us enjoy our Christmas gifts like normal people. We might sport our brand new sweater or we excitedly download apps for our new cell phone. Sure, we are excited about our gifts, but like most normal people, we enjoy them appropriately. But then, there are those rare individuals whose goal is to brag about their Christmas gifts. They shamelessly show off their wares.Perhaps you might have seen one of these people.

The Hinter: This person will never tell you about their Christmas loot, but don't be fooled. They are consumed with publicly showing off their gift in the hopes that you will ask "Oh, did you get that for Christmas?" This is the cue they have been waiting for, as they will now take 35 minutes of your life describing to you in detail how their new cell phone is the best phone on the market.

The One-Upper: This person will ask you what you received for Christmas. Regardless of what you say, they will undoubtedly compare gifts, highlighting how your gifts are not quite as good as what they received. They will say things like, "Oh, you got that computer? Big mistake. I got an Intel I7 Quad Core desktop with the top of line Nvidia graphics card, 32 gigs of Ram, and 4TB of storage. It's way better than what you got!" 

The Blessed: This person comes up to you, tapping into their capacity for false humility and says "Can you believe how blessed I am? Let me show you a picture of this new sports car my parents purchased for me. I am so blessed! I truly am the luckiest person in the world. So what did you get?" At which point, you find no joy in sharing about the 6 pairs of socks and the beanie you got.

The Flaunter: This is the person who receives clothing for Christmas, and lots of it. How do you know? Because he/she is wearing every single item simultaneously. And don't you dare ask if they got that new sweater for Christmas, because the Flaunter will now go through all the clothing he/she received, item by item. Everything from sweater, to socks, to underwear, the Flaunter will highlight how amazing this new wardrobe is.

Beware, for these people do exist. Come by tomorrow to find out how to defend yourself from such shameless propagators of Christmas goods.

PYDS

Not many of you know this, but I suffer from a mental illness known as PYDS (Post Yuletide Depression Syndrome). While common among adults, it is especially common in young children. I don't think it is in the DSM-IV yet, but it will only be a matter of time before clinicians worldwide embrace it's prevalence.

And every year around this time it kicks in. The knowledge that there will be no more gifts, eggnog, or Christmas carols for 11 months is too much for my psyche to bear. As a result, I slump into a depression. I mope around the house. I spend some time with the Christmas tree, but it brings me no satisfaction. I look at the socks and sweaters that I got for Christmas, but those do not bring joy either. It is a tough time. New Years Eve parties can occasionally temper the depression, but often they are a temporary fix. The depression finally begins to subside in early May, when the longer days and warmer weather distract from the loss of Christmas. Attention is turned to the summer and the hopes of experiencing the "best summer ever."

So my friends, be patient with me. Forgive me of any grumpiness and please overlook my lack of interest in you. It is not that I don't care, it is just that I suffer from this terrible disease. I understand that you want to help. While prayers are appreciated, a constant stream of wrapped gifts and Christmas themed treats just might break me out of this depression. Thanks for all of your love and support. I know with your help, we can beat Post Yuletide Depression Syndrome.

Seasonal Sapience

Christmas truly is a wonderful and joyous day. And on this day that we celebrate the Lord's birth, we can so easily be tempted to focus on the material things. We are mesmerized by grand and fancy gifts. We are bewitched by delectable entrees and elaborate sweets. And before we know it, Christmas is about the gifts we receive and the food we eat.

So hear my encouragement today and take a step back from all the material things. Cherish your friends and your family. Hug them and thank them for their role in your life. Do not take them for granted! For without them, who will buy you all those wicked awesome gifts and cook you all those tasty goodies?

Merry Christmas everyone!

Generic Holiday Greeting!

Today's world seems increasingly less tolerant of the word "Christmas." Now, I understand that not everyone in this fine country celebrates Christmas. While I grew up having a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hannukah, others had Krazy Kwanzas or a Raging Ramadan. And some folks, God bless them, choose not to celebrate anything. I understand this and I am ok with it. Yet, I do not fully understand some of the hostility towards saying "Merry Christmas" or displaying a nativity scene (even if the traditional nativity scene is not biblically correct, but more on this another time.).

While I try to be courteous and respectful to my non-Christmas celebrating peers, I really want to be able to say "Merry Christmas" without fear of oppression. But in this age of political correctness, how can I wish someone someone a "Merry Christmas" without actually saying it?

Thankfully, I have the solution. Now initially I wasn't sold on this idea, but due to the inspiration of some amazing students at my church, I have the means to say "Merry Christmas" without actually saying it. How you might ask? By wearing it! What better way to say "Merry Christmas" than wearing a traditional Christmas sweater. Let your torso will shout forth the yuletide greeting of "Merry Christmas!" No more shall we fear accusations of political incorrectness. No more shall we hide behind a veil. Our voice will reign supreme without ever having to speak a single word.

Plus, if people thought saying "Merry Christmas" was offensive, just wait til millions of Christians nationwide start sporting those hideous Christmas sweaters.



Have a great holiday season (I'd wish you a Merry Christmas, but I haven't purchased my Christmas sweater yet).

Questions That Keep Me Up At Night

Does anyone find it odd that the Mayans predicted the end of the world, yet they failed to account for their own extinction?

Have a great, worry free night my friends!

You Meet All Kinds

I enjoy a church rummage sale. I especially enjoy it when it supports my youth group. Not only does the money earned support my students, but as the cashier, I get the privilege of coming into contact with all sorts of interesting people. Now, most folks that attend a rummage sale are your average citizens who are just looking for a good deal. But, every now and then you meet some interesting people. Here are some true stories from the 2012 SVCC Rummage Sale.


The Swindler: This was the lady that brought up $25 worth of merchandise to the cashier. She opened her wallet only revealing $10. After some sob story about how "I always do this, I never bring enough money," she gave me the "well maybe you can just give it to me for $10" look. Little did she know that I was a cold and heartless monster. I responded with the authoritative but loving, "we can hold on to your merchandise for you while you run home and get the rest of your cash." To which she responded by pulling out the remaining $15 from her pocket, paying for her goods and walking out. Nice try my friend....nice try.

The Rock Star: This gentlemen entered our hallowed halls and as he perused our quality merchandise, he saw the shiny and glorious drum set on the stage. After repeated attempts (and denials) to gain my permission to play the drums, he then asked if he could join the worship band. He told me he was legit as he showed me his treble clef tattoo on his neck. My immediate thought was to hire him on as the new worship pastor, but (bald) wisdom prevailed and I encouraged him to start attending service for a few months and then we would get him plugged in. We never saw him again. I just heard that Chris Tomlin brought him on to join his band. I guess we missed out.

The Depraved: What sick and twisted woman would bring 15 used bras to the register and make me sort them and price them for her? And then, choose not to purchase them! It was a troubling time and I recalled Acts 9:16, when Jesus spoke these words in regards to Saul "I will certainly show him how much he must suffer for My name!" (HCSB).

While there were a few other interesting blokes that I came into contact with, these were my favorites. Hope you enjoyed hearing about them as much as I enjoyed meeting them!

Revenge Loophooles

A few months ago I preached on the topic of revenge. In my study, it was pretty clear that revenge is something that is reserved for God. It looks like I discovered a loophole though. Now don't get me wrong. I certainly agree that revenge is something that belongs to God, and God alone. BUT, if we disguise our revenge so that it looks like it is coming from God, then I think it is ok.

For example, God used venomous snakes in the Old Testament to punish the Israelite people for their disobedience. Therefore, if we can get revenge in a such a manner that imitates that scenario, then I am certain we have God's approval in getting revenge. We just have to make it look like it is God who is enacting the revenge.

With this in mind, I want to introduce the Rattlesnake-a-pult. Similar to a catapult, it is designed to launch rattlesnakes (which I'm sure your local pet shot carries) at malevolent individuals that cause you great harm. The uses are undeniable. Set up a Rattlesnake-a-pult in your backyard and if those rowdy teenage boys across the street throw another raucous party, then you will be well prepared to take matters into your own hands. Set the coordinates, and a dozen or so rattlers, launched into the heavens will certainly put an end of the party. And better yet, those vociferous kids will certainly not assume you or any man caused this calamity. For who can drop rattlesnakes from the heavens other than God himself? These kids will then know that they have sinned before an angry God and they will be so ashamed of their sin that they will never throw a loud party again. Moreover, they will repent and become devout followers of our Lord. You see, the Rattlesnake-a-pult is not only a tool for protecting yourself, it is also a utility in the spread of the Gospel.

So, the next time you catch me mumbling about throwing rattlesnakes at people I don't like, just know that I care about their salvation more than you do.

We Are All Saddened

In light of the horrific news about the school shooting in Connecticut, I will not be posting as planned. Life is certainly full of grief. While laughter often provides a sense of normalcy and comfort in a chaotic world, today is a day for mourning. Not just for the families and witnesses, but for our nation. It is a deplorable tragedy, one that will not be soon forgotten.

I will resume writing on Tuesday.

Seek Ye First The Compliments of Men...

In my lifetime, I have received my fair share of compliments and complaints. Generally speaking, I quickly evaluate the comment, who it is coming from, and then decide how to proceed from there. More often than not, I usually try not to make too big of a deal out of either compliment or complaint. One exception to this rule is if the compliment or complaint comes from a person of authority or fame. If a celebrity, doctor, or astrophysicist sing my praises, then truly I am a force to be reckoned with. Conversely, if you are a low-life and your sole source of income is scamming orphans and war widows, I won't be threatened by even your most slanderous accusations.

So what happens when you receive praise from missionaries? Well in my line of work, there is no higher compliment. For what person exists that is more spiritually mature and committed to the kingdom of God than a missionary? They have sacrificed everything and are not privy to the fast cars, beautiful women, and extravagant parties that us normal, vocational ministry people are exposed to. I have never had to sleep in a 5 x 9 hut while simultaneously fending off tarantulas, serpents, and demons. I enjoy lobster and Filet Mignon on a weekly basis. I sit court side at Laker games while our missionary friends are dodging bullets for the sake of the Gospel! They are the example of true Christian maturity.

So do you have a compliment or a complaint to give to your pastor that you really want him to hear and soak in? Then do yourself a favor and have a missionary tell the pastor on your behalf! Remember, in the Kingdom of God, missionaries are our celebrities!

But on a serious note (I warned you, these might happen on occasion), I was fortunate to have two missionaries visit our youth group last night. They were very encouraging and gave me some great feedback. I was thrilled share with my wife their comments. And then I got to throw in the kicker when I revealed that those people who said those nice things were missionaries! It was as if I was more legit of a person and youth pastor because the missionaries gave me a pat on the back. If missionaries were impressed, then I must be legit! Before I went to bed, I chuckled to myself. To quote D.C. Talk, "I'm still a man in need of a Savior." Despite my desire to serve God, I still fight a desire to impress my peers.

The Definition of Insanity

Pastors sometimes make mistakes. This is especially true of youth pastors. Despite all of our training and wisdom, we sometimes preach a bad sermon, make an inappropriate joke, or forget to reply to a parent's email. While heinous, these pale in comparison to the ultimate youth group faux pas. And it always happens quite innocently.

It begins on your typical youth group service. You ask for a student volunteer to read a passage. You make eye contact with the first student who raises his/her hand and you call his/her name to read Nehemiah 10:1-27 (Go ahead and read it. It is chock-full of spiritual goodness). Just after you finish saying his/her name, you realize you have just picked the slowest reader in the entire youth group to read one of the more difficult genealogies of the Old Testament. Whether simply a slow reader or someone inflicted with a speech impediment, you now have subjugated your youth group to the most awkward six minutes of Bible reading.One minute in, the student is still struggling to get through the name "Malchijah." This is not going well. You notice other students losing interest. Some begin to stare at the ceiling. Others pull out their cell phones.

Quickly, you must do something! But to interrupt this student would be an obvious affront on his/her reading ability. Your panic causes you to freeze up and you do nothing. Oh what a foolish youth pastor that you are! Why o' why would you give such a large and difficult passage to that kid. You begin to curse the public school system for not teaching students how to read! You wonder about his/her parents and why they hate literacy.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, that plucky student of yours finally navigates through the long list of Hebrew names. Before you resume teaching, you silently vow to never make that mistake again. You now know to never call upon him/her to read a long passage.

Until next week, when you do it all over again.

Bible App Beat-Down

If bringing your Bible to church makes you cool, then you are infinitely cooler when you read the Bible on your smartphone. I can't full explain it, but I am pretty sure God gives extra grace to those who read the Bible on their phone. I too prefer to use my Bible app. The wealth of translation options are amazing. I no longer sheepishly flip back and forth as I look for one of those darned minor prophet books (I'm looking at you Amos!). And most importantly, since I always carry my phone, my bible is always with me. I mean, nothing is more holy than someone who always carries his Bible around. Thank you smartphone for increasing my holiness aura!

Yet, despite the awesomeness of the smartphone Bible app, church goers still haven't gotten quite used to the fact that the Bible app still exists. Sometimes, even I forget. I'm preaching my heart out and some student is gazing stupidly into his phone. This is my chance to call him out on it. I will make an example of this rogue student who defies me and the God of this universe. And so I call out the student and I suspect he will cower in embarrassment for his crime of looking at his cell phone while the youth pastor is preaching. Instead, he shows me his screen. I see his Bible app is fired up. He is in the first chapter of Romans. A quick glance at my study notes confirms I am in fact preaching on Romans 1.

That my friends, is the Bible App Beat-Down (BABD). This is what happens when you when you call someone out in rude fashion for looking at their phone, when in reality they are using their phone to read the Holy Bible. It is never a fun thing to have someone bust out the BABD on you. It doesn't feel good.

So, help out your pastors around the world. Help us from making a fool of ourselves at the hands of the BABD. Here is how you can help.

#1. The Beacon

• The beacon comes in two forms. It can be a T-Shirt that says "Bible App User." Quick and to the point. This is very useful in small youth or church services. The pastor (and other members) can see the shirt, and we now know to stay clear of the potentially deadly BABD.
• The second form is a flag. You know how when you go water skiing, some of the boats have a long pole with an orange flag at the end. In a similar fashion, attach a large pole to your body that has an orange flag at the top. The flag should also say "Bible App User." This is more useful in large groups where perhaps the pastor cannot see your T-shirt, but make no mistake, he sees the flag in all of its glory!

#2 The Disguise

• Buy a fancy, leather flip case for your smart phone. Make sure it says Holy Bible on the back. If you really want it to look authentic, put some initials that signify what translation it is. Something like NBWT (New Bald Wisdom Translation) is appropriate. Not only will people not suspect you are on your phone (avoiding you hassle and condemnation), but the brightness of the screen might fool people into believing that  your translation is so holy that it actually glows.

Or....you can just bring your actual Bible and save your pastor the heartache over whether he should call you out or not. But then you miss out on looking cool at church, which is pretty important. In that case, just go with "The Disguise."

Welcome

This is the blog dedicated to all things Frontline. This is a chance for you to interact with the musings of your beautifully bald youth pastor. This blog is designed to be sometimes fun and sometimes serious. And don't be shocked, because on occasion, I can be serious. I will do my best to interact with your comments (all three of you who actually follow this), but worry not, for we will have our own adventure as we muse, and laugh, and cry (actually I don't think there will be any crying, but it just sounded good to write).

But I am rambling already, so let us get back to the important stuff! There is much for me to muse about, but I open the floor to hear from you fine, young men and women. Any particular issues that you would like me to muse about? Don't be shy. Everything is fair game unless I deem it not to be fair game. In which case, not everything is fair game, but you do not know what is fair and foul, so as far as you are concerned, everything is fair game until otherwise notified. And if none of you comment, well then I will write whatever I want to write about...so there!

I know you have a choice in which blog to follow and I would like to sincerely thank you for following mine.

Blessings,

Bohm