How to Pretend to Pray

We've all said it. Someone in the church asks us to do something and we open up our handbag of cliches and respond by saying, "I'll pray about it." Now we know we definitely will not pray about it, but lying about being spiritually mature is probably holier than telling the truth about being anti-spiritual. I think it talks about that in the Old Testament somewhere.

Think that is sad? Not even close. This practice is so accepted among Christians, that we now have to qualify when we are legitimately going to pray versus giving lip service. If we are indeed going to pray when someone asks us to do something, we say something along these lines, "I will definitely pray about it this time" or "This time I won't pretend to pray, I really will do it."

And perhaps you are feeling guilty. Maybe you are thinking, "I've done this and now I see the error of my ways." Well not wanting to leave you hanging, Bald Wisdom has a suggestion to appease that guilty conscience. Here's how!

Every night before going to bed, pray this prayer:

"Dear Jesus, I want to pray about all the things that I might have said I would pray about today. Amen"

I am not totally sure what this prayer means or even what it accomplishes, but (and God is your witness), you prayed!

And perhaps someone asks you if you prayed about what ya'll talked about? Well you can confidently say you did in fact pray. 

And if they ask, "So, did God give you an answer?" 

Well, you simply respond, "I'm still waiting for clarity."

And this concludes our lesson on How to Pretend to Pray.

What It Means To Be A Youth Pastor

Being a youth pastor is great! My favorite part about being a youth pastor is meeting new people, and upon finding out that I am a pastor, they make some vain attempt to justify my vocation. Here are some of my favorites, including one I heard last night.

1. Oh....cool.....(followed by awkward silence).

2. So you just hang out with kids for a living?

3. And you went to graduate school for how long to do that?

4. Well, just as long as you are happy....

5. When are you going to get a real job?

When Grace Fails...

An excerpt from my speech to the students playing in the Winter Camp Flag Football Tournament:

"This weekend we have been talking a lot about God's grace and how your identity is in him. The speaker has talked about things like win or lose, you are His and that is all that matters...well right now, that is a bunch of crap. You guys go out there and win this thing or don't come to youth group on Wednesday."

Not a bad job of coaching if I do say so myself. Back to back champs baby!

Winter Camp Win

Having recently returned from Winter Camp with the students, it is natural to reflect on the weekend that was. And it was an amazing weekend with much to share that will hopefully stir up laughter for my loyal readers!

But today starts with a post that is more serious in nature. Nevertheless, I hope your heart is made glad and you smile largely, for this past weekend, two students accepted Christ. And frankly, nothing more needs to be said other than this; God is good.

Three Questions

Last night at youth group I gave out a "what to pack" list to all the students who will be attending Winter Camp next week. As I was writing the list, a question popped into my mind. Why do I have to tell students to bring a toothbrush, deodorant, and underwear? These are common sense items that no one should forget when leaving home for a few days.

Then a second question crossed my mind. Why does at least one student always forget one of those critical items?

And now the gears are really spinning inside my brain and a third question arose. How come I have never run an illegal betting parlour so that I can take bets from congregants as to which student will forget said items?

Lessons in Causing Anxiety

It is an honor and privilege to write college letters of recommendation for students. And despite my joy in writing students a letter, it is not in my nature to do a simple task without having to try some fun. Here are some fun things to say to prospective college students.

1. I'd be happy to write you a letter of recommendation, but I'll have to warn the school about your bed wetting problem.

2. Are you sure you want a convicted felon writing you a letter of recommendation?

3. I'll write you a letter of recommendation, but I loathe the school you are applying to and I will make it known!

4. Due to the influx of letters of recommendation, there is a $5 processing fee. Plus, if you are not accepted into the university, you will be charged an additional $3 for wasting my time.

5. You are too dumb to get into that school, don't waste my time by asking me to write a letter of recommendation.

6. I'll be happy to write you a letter of recommendation, but the last 3 students that had me write for them didn't get accepted into any of the colleges they applied for.

7. I'll write your letter but I want you to know that I will be honest. Like brutally honest. Are you really sure you want me to write your letter of recommendation!?

Bible Translation Guide

A humorous web comic that I would like to share. Here is the original link: http://adam4d.com/translations/

Mixed Messages

Having been to several pastor/leadership conferences as well as reading books on the subject, improving as a leader is more complicated than I had thought. Depending on who you ask, what you read, or who you listen to, the messages can be quite contradictory.

Here are some examples.

1. Always be yourself. Unless you are not very good. Then be someone else.

2. People are messy and change is slow, but if there are problems in the church, it is the fault of the pastor/leader.

3. People don't remember your sermons. Rather, they will remember you by your interaction with them, but make sure you at spend at least 20 hours a week preparing a sermon (quite possibly the most antisocial activity a pastor can engage in).

4. Good leaders have strong boundaries, but bad leaders say "that's not my job."

5. A good leader gets things done at all costs, but a bad leader puts ministry ahead of family.

I hope you are all as confused as I am.

Back By Popular Demand?

It is encouraging when you disappear from the blogosphere and people actually notice. Since last summer, some events in my life led to a loss of motivation in maintaining the official Bald Wisdom blog (Are there unofficial Bald Wisdom blogs?) But, a new found motivation, combined with some encouraging words from friends, have rekindled a desire to share my nonsensical, but hopefully comedic, musings.

And since I am back writing, I want to return to where it all started. You see, when I first began blogging, I wrote about the Bible App Beat Down, in which I, as a speaker/teacher call out a student for playing with his/her phone, only to have the student show me that his/her bible app is open and they are following along diligently. Well I have gotten better at identifying students that have their bible app. I do not walk into that trap as frequently. But inevitably, a new force has emerged, heinous and evil! Now in the middle of a message, I see students plunking away on their touch screen keyboard. Assumptions run rampant. Texting? Playing a game? "Regardless, I will catch them and expose their insolence" I whisper to myself. And so, I make some sarcastic quip and my feelings of superiority immediately vanish when the student shows me a note taking app. Inadvertently, I have accused a student for being a knave, only to discover they have been writing down my every word. An apology does little to cover the shame.

And so, I now tread delicately and look for the advice. Maybe I just keep my mouth shut? But that has never been my style. Perhaps if I am suspicious of a student, I ask nicely for them to put it away rather than making a sarcastic quip? That doesn't seem very fun. Perhaps a complex system of mirrors mounted to the walls so that I can see all? Now that's an idea! Just need to find financial backers now...

Of Shame and Chocolate

A few weeks ago I attended a pastor's conference. The speaker, in a nutshell, was talking about the fact that because of the grace of Christ, we do not have to try to cover up our shame. As the speaker was talking, I was eating a chocolate bar that was provided by the conference host. Unfortunately (and as is typical of me), I unknowingly got chocolate on my arm, which I then proceeded to smear onto my shirt (another reason why I enjoy wearing dark colors...I'm a slob).

This course of events led to a predicament. I am at a pastors conference and I want to make a good impression. I even wore a collared shirt, so you know I'm serious...but now I have chocolate smeared on the front of my shirt. Feeling ashamed, I moved my name tag from my chest to my belly so as to cover the chocolate smear.

Irony at it's finest!

The Associate Hobo

Back story: During the L.A. Kings championship run in 2012, I grew a beard and vowed to only shave it when the playoffs were over for the Kings. I had done the same thing the prior two years, but the beard never got long due to two disappointing first round playoff exits. To be honest, I suspected the same thing in 2012. To my surprise and delight, the Kings, despite being the underdog in every match-up, kept on winning. As a result, the beard kept on growing. It was an exciting time! 

During the "Beardening" (Yes, I just made up a word), Sierra Vista was hosting a meeting to discuss how churches and organizations can more effectively feed the community. I was not a part of this meeting though. Rather, I was working in my office when I got a hankering for a snack. So I walked to the kitchen and rummaged through the fridge for a snack. The kitchen doors were open, so those in the meeting could see me rummaging through the kitchen. At this point, a lady who was part of the meeting notified our senior pastor that a homeless man was looking for food.

"Oh, that is just our associate pastor" responded Pastor Todd.


Awesome! Way to make an impression Ryan...

Theology vs. Romance Part II

While I can certainly be the sentimental type, I have never been one to believe in the concept of a soul mate. The closest I get to believing in the concept of a soul mate is that if you have a spouse, they, by default, he/she becomes your soul mate. While not romantic, this is more inline with what Scripture teaches. I consider it fantasy to believe that God has created a special someone designed specifically for me. Well these convictions came up in conversation one night with my wife.


Wife: "You are my soul mate!"

Me: **silence followed by an awkward stare**

Wife: "Do you believe I am your soul mate?"

Me: "Yes, but you are my soul mate because we got married."

Wife: "So, if you got married to a different a different woman, she would be  your soul mate and not me?"

Me: "Exactly."

Wife: "So, if I die and you get remarried, you have two soul mates?"

Me: "No, the new wife becomes my soul mate."

Me: "I'm on the couch tonight huh?"


Moral of the story:

• I would like to hug the person that designed my very comfortable couch. 

•  I would like to punch the person who came up with the concept of a soul mate.

Theology vs. Romance Part I

Sometimes your theological beliefs can get you in trouble.

Let me explain. In college, I began to understand that no person could ever fill the psychological hole that we humans all experience. I realized that a girlfriend, no matter how amazing, can never complete me as a person. My years in college were spent trying to live this out. I wanted to be my own person without needing someone else there to "complete me." While there was great truth to the realization that no person could "complete me," I went about it in the wrong fashion.

It was not until my seminary experience, where some great professors and mentors guided me in this. They confirmed the truth that no person could fill the gap caused by original sin, I realized that only God can fill this hole. Friends, family, and love interests are important, but they never were intended to fill a hole that only God can fill. As a result, it led to a hunger to find my identity (and the fullness that it brings) in Christ. I began to mature in this and understand this concept as Christ intended me to grasp it.

Well, this is when it began to get problematic. I am growing in my faith and I get to a point where I understand that Jesus, and only Jesus is what completes me. No one else can fill the gap. No one can complete me. So....what do I do when my girlfriend (now my wife) lovingly looks me in the eyes and says "You complete me." It was a frightening experience! Do I lie and say the line back, and go against my theological convictions? Do I correct her and risk alienating her? Panic ensues! What do I do?

I told my students this story and they were curious as to how I responded. They called me a monster when  I told them that I responded by telling Alisa that she did not complete me. Had I left the statement there, I certainly would have experienced unquenchable wrath. But Bald Wisdom knows better...

I looked her in the eyes and said,  "You don't complete me. But because of you, the cup is overflowing."

Moral of the story:

• Wisdom (especially the bald variety) is a necessary companion of theology.
• Theology and romantic ideals don't always see eye to eye (hence the need for wisdom).
• Theology and romance will once again be at odds and some point in my relationship (and it has...so come back tomorrow...)

Real Men of Ministry: Mr. "I Don't Work In The Church But I'm A More Awesome Christian Than You Are" Guy.

We salute you, "Mr. "I Don't Work In The Church But I'm A More Awesome Christian Than You Are" Guy.

This is my personal favorite. 

At the church, and especially as we try to complete the new youth room, we have had many individuals working at the church. Alarm system installers, AC repairmen, painters, contractors, and many more have visited our humble grounds for some service call. Many of these workers come in, do their job, and leave with nothing more than a handshake and a job well done. Others are more chatty. I have no problem with this. I enjoy an occasional conversation with a stranger....

 But, I do have an issue with "I Don't Work In The Church But I'm A More Awesome Christian Than You Are" Guy. This is the guy, who despite the fact that he works a secular job, needs to let me know that he is a Christian. Cool! Always nice to meet another brother in Christ. But, he is a master of Christian cliche's and a self-promoter in the name of Jesus guru. He lets me know about all the books he has read, seminars attended, people he has converted, baptisms performed, demons exorcised, committees he has served on, communions he has presided over, children's ministry musicals he has performed in, and bible studies he has led. This individual is such a inspiration and leader that it is shocking to me that the Catholic Church has not yet canonized him. Now, if his attempt at self-promotion wasn't bad enough, I then get to enjoy a seven minute sermon from him. He concludes by handing out a business card saying that if I or the church ever needs anything, we should give him a call.

To which I respond, "Truly I have been in the presence of a saint, more esteemed than the martyrs, more learned than a scholar, and as equipped for world-changing ministry as the twelve, but if it's no bother, can you finish fixing the toilet?"

So thank you Mr. "I Don't Work In The Church But I'm A More Awesome Christian Than You Are" Guy. After 15 minutes of conversing with you, I see how you are truly the most amazing follower of Christ...ever!

Real Men of Ministry: "I Don't Go To Church But I Lead A Bible Study At Work During Lunch Time" Guy

We salute you "I Don't Go To Church But I Lead A Bible Study At Work During Lunch Time" Guy.

You are commendable for starting a bible study during the lunch hour at your work. I am also glad that out of a company of 275 people, three people (including you) are attending your study. It doesn't matter that you don't actually open the Bible. Simply just talking about your lives is much better. I'm sure when the opportunity arises, you will eventually mention Jesus. If only we had more bible studies like this at work.


Now, please tell me, how is this "bible study" serving as an adequate replacement for the fellowship, education, and accountability that the church provides (well, at least in theory it supposed to provide this)?

Never mind the question, ain't nobody got time for that. We nonetheless salute you for all that you do! You are a valuable asset to the Kingdom!

Real Men of Ministry: Mr. Mormon Destroyer

Today we begin with our salute to Mr. Mormon Destroyer.

You see, we have all been enjoying a peaceful afternoon at our home when Mormon (Or JW) evangelists come to our door. Some Christians will simply say "thanks, but no thanks." Others will have a brief and polite conversation. And then, there are those who invite the evangelists into their home for a discussion. Now there is nothing wrong with inviting these folks into your home. In fact I think it is a great thing to do, but Mr. Mormon Destroyer doesn't quite understand the nuances of such a tactic. Rather than reason with humility and gentleness with these "missionaries," Mr. Mormon Destroyer is simply trying to prove the errors and faults of another's religion. There is no tact and grace. He comes out guns blazing, insulting and mocking his new friends. He challenges every concept, listens to nothing they say, and openly mocks their ideology. His new friends leave, and that following Sunday Mr. Mormon Destroyer brags to everyone in his congregation about how he just rocked those Mormons that came to his door. Good job Mr. Mormon Destroyer! Those Mormons might not be Mormons anymore...but they have also been turned off of Evangelical Christianity forever. Well done indeed. We salute you Mr. Mormon Destroyer!

Real Men of Ministry

A few years ago, a certain beer company ran a commercial series called "Real Men of Genius." The series highlighted an individual with some peculiar characteristic and then made up a satirical song about that individual. If curious, a simple YouTube search will fill you in. While the series was good for a few chuckles, I haven't thought much about it in some time. In talking with a few friends, that commercial series popped up in conversation. Naturally, I thought of Bald Wisdomizing it and doing a Real Men of Ministry series.

Now, what kind of people are deserving of such a title? Well, even though I have not been in vocational ministry that long, I have witnessed people who are not in vocational ministry boast to those who do work in the church about all the great things they do in ministry. Now, I am confident that many of these people are doing some good work, but I cannot help but chuckle when they try to impress me or another church worker/pastor about their stories of great ministry exploits.

For example, I am standing in a line with some other chap. We make small talk and he eventually asks what I do for a living. My general response is "I work with students in the church." Generally, the person will feign a smile and say "oh that's cool," but not this time. I have unknowingly opened Pandora's Box and this is now a license for this bloke to tell me about every ministry deed he has done. Even though he is an electrician from Modesto and is in town visiting family, he is sure to let me know that he holds the keys to the Kingdom...and if I only I could just see all that he does back at his home church.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love hearing about how God is using other people in the Kingdom. I've learned a lot from hearing the stories of others. But, it is never hard to tell when someone is sharing with me his or her exploits because they want me to either validate them or be impressed with them. While I play it cool, it always makes me laugh inside, and so now, I want to share with you, the loyal Bald Wisdomaniac (can someone put that on a T-Shirt?), some of my favorite "Real Men of Ministry" moments. Oh, and do not worry, at Bald Wisdom, we do not discriminate! I will certainly highlight you women as well!

So, starting next week, sit back at get ready to salute the Real Men (and women) Of Ministry!

Bald Wisdom's Tip O' The Week.

If your office has a window at street level, be careful when picking your nose.

An Updated Guide to Competitive Prayer Ranking

Last year I unveiled my guide to competitive prayer. While it was a good beginning, I would like to provide you, the loyal reader, with an updated guide that ensure that your prayer battles can become even more legendary. Enjoy.

The Holy of Holies Prayer Success Ranker

1. Someone says "Yes, Lord" during your prayer.  +1
2. Someone says "Amen" during your prayer.  +1
3. Someone groans in agreement with your prayer.  +.5
4. Someone yawns during your prayer.  -1
5. Someone falls asleep during your prayer  -10
6. Someone walks away during your prayer - 15
7. Someone says "Hallelujah" or "Praise Jesus" during your prayer  +3 (x2 if they are a Lutheran)
8. Your prayer brings someone to tears.  +5
9. Someone doesn't say "Amen" at the end of your prayer.  -1
10. Some laughs at your prayer.  -3
11. Someone laughs with you during your prayer.  +3
12. You thank God for no injuries during an activity when in fact no one was injured. +1
13. You thank God for no injuries during an activity when in fact someone was injured. - 5
14. Your phone goes off during your prayer.  -3
15. Your phone goes off during your prayer, blasting inappropriate song lyrics. -6
16. You quote scripture during your prayer. +2
17. You quote Scripture during your prayer from the King James Translation.  +5
18. You quote Scripture during your prayer from the original Hebrew/Greek. + 7
19. You quote Scripture during your prayer from the original Aramaic.  +10
20. You incorrectly cite a passage of Scripture.  - 3
21. You begin your prayer by saying "Dear God."  -1
22. You refer to God as "Abba Father." +2
23. You refer to God as "Daddy."  +4
24. You refer to God as "Mommy" -4
25. Another person refers to God as "Daddy" after you. + 2
26. Another person refers to God as "Mommy" after you. -4
27. You pray for "traveling mercies."  - 2
28. You pray that God would "be" with someone.  - 2
29. You gossip about somebody during your prayer.  -2
30. You gossip about somebody during your prayer and that person is in the prayer circle.  +2
31. You gossip about somebody during your prayer and that person is in the prayer circle and he/she says "Amen." +6
32. You break out into worship song during your prayer.  +10
33. You use a quote from any secular movie, t.v. show, or song during your prayer. +1 (+3 if someone says "Hallelujah" or "Praise Jesus" after you quote the line)
34. Your stomach grumbles audibly during the prayer. -1
35. You fart during your own prayer.  -3
36. But everyone thinks someone else farted.  +4
37. You begin coughing or sneezing during your prayer. -1
38. You begin speaking in tongues during your prayer.  +7
39. Someone else begins speaking in tongues during your prayer. +10
40. Someone in the prayer circle is miraculously healed during your prayer. +20.
41. The building your prayer group is in collapses. -50
42. The building your prayer group is in collapses but no one is killed or injured. +60
43. Someone in the group becomes possessed by a demon during your prayer.  -35
44. You are possessed by a demon during your prayer.  -45
45. Jesus returns to earth during your prayer.  +1,000,000

A Beacon of Hope!

After a summer break, Bald Wisdom is back!

A few things I noticed while taking a break:

1. The post on competitive prayer ranking has impacted people to a greater degree than expected. I'm tempted to start printing out score cards and placing them in the church bulletin.

2. I wanted to hug everyone who asked when the blog would be making a comeback. Those four people are true heroes of the faith!

3. I witnessed the birth of several blogs during my hiatus. My theory is that the lack of Bald Wisdom was catastrophic to the Christian community, and as a result, individuals were compelled to begin blogging to prevent the collapse of the American church.

4. None of those new blogs were intended to be comical, which was good for me, as competition rarely seems to bring out the best in me.

5. Still no high-powered toilets at our church. This concerns me....

6. People are generally sadder without a consistent dose of Bald Wisdom.

7. I'm still just as full of hot air now as I was before the break.

8. It's good to be writing again.

9. I hope you agree!

10. Enjoy!